Sorry Kirsty, I meant to reply to this yesterday but didn't get a chance. I'm sorry that you are feeling so low, I can relate to a lot of what you have said. Please don't feel that you have to appologise for asking for support, you most definitely do deserve it. Maybe you cry at night and when you wake up because things are slowing down after the day is over or before it has started. During the day there's lots to keep your mind occupied but when you start to wind down you can find that you are thinking and feeling really deeply. Sometimes it can help to try to focus on your thoughts, set aside a period of time before you try to sleep to write them down, read what you have written and destroy what you have written or at least put it to one side. It's like getting the thoughts out of your mind and saying to yourself that you have dealt with them for now.
Self soothing is also very useful, what sort safe things comfort you? It could be cuddling a teddy, listening to a peaceful song. You seem to be dreading waking up and facing the next day, I can understand that, it''s very easy to focus on what is bad in life and what you are not looking forward to. Try to turn that around and as you are trying to sleep think about what good things you would like from the day ahead, even if you don't believe those things will actually happen changing your frame of mind can affect your emotions. If you start crying when you wake up try some positive self talk. I really think that you should talk to your GP about this, at least they might be able to give you something to help with your sleep. Your interrupted sleep is likely to be impacting on your mood also. If you woke up feeling refreshed then you'd be less likely to feel so low.
Can you try getting up a little earlier in the mornings? That way you would have more time to gradually get ready for the day and take some time to help yourself get into a better state of mind. Maybe having a bath in the morning would help to make you feel more relaxed. Do you enjoy training? Can you focus on what you will achieve by the end of it? What is it about being with people that gets you worked up? I know that it's difficult when you feel so bad and at the same time have to put on a face around people but sometimes it can be a relief from always expressing your emotions. I do what you do when people ask me to go out and do things but sometimes I just go for it and it's actually not as bad as I expect it to be. Maybe you could gradually build up the time that you spend around people. Start with just a short time and hopefully you will feel more comfortable around people for longer periods of time.
Is there someone at training who you could confide in? If it's difficult to talk then you could write them a letter. It would be good for you to have someone to support you through your daily activities. You say that you don't want to see anyone because you are in such a mess and don't know how to get yourself out of it, that indicates that you really should reach out for help. Maybe you can't see a way out of this but someone who has an objective perspective on your situation probably could. If you spoke to your GP they could refer you to someone and you could ask about the confidentiality policy before sharing anything if it worries you that your parents might be told how you are feeling. What makes you think that you're not ready to take this step? It would be difficult but worth it in the long run. What would help you to take the step?
I hope you managed to sleep last night and that you can find a way to reach out for support. I'm thinking about you and i'm here if you need anything. Take care.
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