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I don't know really.
I really am sorry to do this, I hate asking for support, especially now because I haven’t really been around in months and most definitely haven’t helped anyone and for that I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do anymore I’m completely lost and I don’t know what to do. I know I don’t deserve support but I could really use, well anything right now.
I don’t remember the last time I didn’t wake up crying. I’ve been trying to avoid sleeping because I end up crying myself to sleep praying that something will happen and I won’t wake up & then when I do wake up I start crying again because I have woken up. It’s so draining and it’s such a horrible feeling that I thought if I just stayed awake it would be ok, but the feelings are still there. At least when I am asleep I get a little break from it all for just a little bit. But even when I do sleep it’s not like proper sleep, I wake up mostly once an hour and even if I do sleep past that I don’t feel like I have and I’m just as exhausted. It’s completely draining and I can’t seem to win either way; staying awake is just as hard as going through the things either side of sleeping.
I’ve started missing training a lot now as well, because I can’t bear to drag myself out of my bed in the mornings to go then and by the time the afternoon/night sessions come I’ve got myself in such a state about having to face people that I make myself ill. Whenever someone asks me to go out I make up an excuse that I have something to do/I’m going somewhere else etc just because I can’t hold myself together and I’ve never been good at letting people in & letting people see that I’m not ok. I just don’t ever want to see anyone because I’m in such a mess and I just have no idea how to get myself out of it. I’ve never felt this bad, for such a long period before and I can’t see a way out at all. Most of the time I spend thinking about dying, when I’m driving anywhere I can’t help but wish someone would crash into me, that they’d be fine but I wouldn’t, just because I don’t have the courage to end it myself.
I know somewhere inside that I should go and talk to someone but the last time I was seeing a counsellor he told my mum & dad about everything but there really was no need, I wasn’t in danger or anything. I don’t have a good relationship with my parents anyway so this really didn’t help things. And I know that not all of them will be like that but I just don’t have the strength or the courage to try again, I’m not ready to yet.
I don’t really know what I expect anyone to say to this, or what I want really. Just anything? I’m not sure I can get through it this time.
Kirsty x
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