Arwen (Zowie - not sure which you prefer) you are not the worst person ever. Nowhere near it. I'm going to have to echo Emma here, but I think that she has probably said it better than I can. You were very brave going to the party and you have achieved more than you can possibly know with managing to stay SI/SH free for your one month and two and a half weeks. Hun, I know how hard it is to stay free, to have to fight for each day. None of us can take the feelings, thoughts, urges et cetera away from you, no matter how much we wish we could.
I'm not sure if you are presently able to accept them but I'd like to offer you some safe hugs, and my wishes that you can overcome your immediate discomfort and make just one more day without SI/SH. Remember that there are people on here who love you for being you, and for the support you have offerred to them when you have been able to.
Take care. *offers safe hugs*
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