yeah i'm doing this cause i think it'll be better for me, not because i just don't like them or whatever...
but i did tell my mom. while i surprisingly had NO depression, I felt sooo sick. Kept going from feeling good for a few hours to feeling nauseated, headache, and cold symptoms for a few hours, than good again. And couldn't sleep more than 3-4 hrs a night. So she had me go on half of them and excluded the antidepressant since i've only been on a moderate dose for a month. And then i'll start going every other day after a while. While she worries, she hates meds, so she's actually being fairly supportive. my bf hasn't said much, but he's in hawaii, so what can he really do?
but these are the changes i noticed... off completely, i obviously was a bit hyper. that's temporary and to be expected, so i put little stock in that. however, motivation completely changed. not in a manic sort of way, but in an "i can do this even if it sucks sometimes". my first thought out of nowhere and this hasn't seemed possible to me in months was "maybe i can go back to school and actually make myself do homework... maybe even continue my bachelors in science". and it wasn't a "this will be perfect". it was "it's worth it; i can do it"... i could clean, even if i wasn't in my manic OCD episodes. Like I could tolerate things I didn't like because I knew they needed to be done and it wasn't the end of the world that I didn't like them. Now that I'm back on the meds, back to the way it was before. I'm not too worried cause in a few weeks I'll be done with them. Also, like I said, NO depression off the meds. Even when I was so sick, couldn't sleep, I wasn't depressed. Didn't feel like dark or cutting or anything. Just like "oh this sucks". Now that I'm back on the mood stabilizers I feel the depression again. (not surprising considering mood stabilizers push your mood down to try and stop mania) I'm ok, but again, not quite right. I was so much more logical off the meds too. Like I actually said NO to a party I knew was gonna be crazy w/ all sorts of out of control alcohol and weed and probably hard drugs. (that i had said yes to on meds and then realized how bad it could get... i have no restraint on meds and i didn't even realize it!)
So while I can't say for sure yet and I'm giving it time, so many things that I had NO idea were gonna happened have showed me that meds have only changed my personality and made me more dependent on emotions and extremes. And the situations that caused me to go on meds back 2 years ago are so different now. I have a good bf now. I am not self conscious cause I am secure (unless i'm on an antidepressant) in myself. I know people like me. I can communicate. I'm not withdrawn now (unless on an antidepressant again... which i don't get but whatever). I actually LIKE people most the time. I remember telling a friend over 2 years ago that I did not understand the value of small talk. It seemed so pointless and stupid to me to talk to people about the same things when you were never gonna get into a deep conversation anyway. Now working in retail has made me love small talk cause I get to know people and it's interesting... I actually enjoy being around people. So anyway, I feel I have learned so much through therapy (which I will continue) and my situations have changed so much that I am a completely different person than 2 years ago and as long as everything continues the way it has so far, I see no reason for me to stay on meds. I have had a little anxiety off meds, but I am more than willing to have PRN anxiety meds if needed... I am not against meds. They work for some people. But having analyzed my life, I don't think they are for me at this point in time.
|