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Everything
I was looking at a student event at uni and I realised that I should love events like Carnage etc. I want to like them. I do. But it has just dawned on me that I see absolutely everything as a means of hurting or destroying myself. Like this event would be a waste because I could get drunk and cut for much cheaper. My whole life is revolved around ways, times, locations etc to hurt myself and cause more and more extensive damage. I don’t think this is normal. Is it?? My self injury has become progressively worse and yet I am always looking to do more harm. I am never happy with what I do because it is never enough. I don’t study anymore, well….I do the bare minimum and as a result am getting nowhere near the marks I should be. This is not like me, not the old me anyway. Last week I was in a+e again but instead of being shocked or upset about getting a few cuts stitched…I was disappointed with myself and disgusted that I hadn’t done enough. The damage was not enough, not what it should be, not what I need. One set used to be enough….hell one scratch was enough at one point. I don’t know how to get out of this. In my head drinking, going out, not going out, EVERYTHING= self harm. I would go out and spend the entire evening thinking about the damage I could inflict when I got home. And THAT is the real reason why I won’t stay at my friend’s tomorrow….because it traps me and stops me harming. I would rather not drink, because then I won’t harm because I know I won’t be satisfied with the result and that is harder than struggling and not hurting myself. A drunk me, especially at the moment, unable to harm would be very bad. I don’t know what would happen.
This is ****ed up.
But I don’t know how to get out of it. To be honest, I don’t even think I can. I wish I wasn’t here. I have had enough now. I am tired of life. Burnt out. I am not threatening suicide, just making an honest declaration…I have had enough. Where do I go from here? Nothing will ever change this. I don’t think I will be satisfied until I have destroyed myself completely.
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