Okay here goes: *deep breath*
From the time I was very little until 2005, my dad (physically) abused me.
I've spent the last few years hating him. i couldn't even have a 2 second civil conversation with him. I refused to be alone in the same room... You get the picture.
Then in september I was at church with a friend, and the youth sermon was about Joseph (Old Testament). The preacher talked about how Joseph forgave his brothers who sold him into slavery. he talked about the need for us to forgive others, even people who had abandoned or abused us... That basically knocked the breath from me.
I managed to keep my composure, although I was really really upset...
I was at 2 of my friends' apartment that evening, and I was steadily getting more upset. When I'm upset I don't cry, I completely withdraw from the world... My friend looked at me and asked if I was okay, so I was like yeah... she said that she didn't believe me, but let the subject drop. We went through that same exchange a few minutes later... pretty soon i was sitting on the floor with my legs pulled to my chest staring at the ground. this time she didn't even bother asking if I was alright, she came and sat down beside me and put her arm around me... we ended up sitting like that for a couple hours, without me divulging anything, then I had to get back cause I have a curfew.
She and my other friend told her sister (who's the one who sat up with me for 6 hours that night 2 summers ago when I gave up cutting, and the person I trust the most). I told her I didn't want to talk to her either... but I was really miserable, so a few days later i agreed to talk to her and maybe tell her what was on my mind. I ended up telling her everything, and she told me that although what happened to me was wrong, I had to forgive him. I wrestled with that for a couple months, then in november I stayed the weekend with her, and late one night she walked into the room where i was getting ready to go to bed and asked "So... how're you doing with forgiving your dad?" i gave her a look like "how could you even ask that!" we talked for a while, and she challenged me to think about what the salanna would look like who wasn't consumed with hatred...
a few weeks later I called her and told her that I was really sick of this, I wanted to be free from it... and soon. So we came up with a plan: I wrote my dad a letter telling him that i forgave him and gave it to him on Christmas.
and now it's a daily decision to surrender all of those feelings of bitterness and hatred towards him.
So that's what's been going on in my life the past 3 months.
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