[riley.]

its the weirdest feeling and i'm not really sure whats going on with me ...but i've finally gotten to the point where i'm able to Sort of communicate whats going on.
.....

so ... i was struck by the feeling and need to completely withdraw, from everything, everyone...in every way shape and form (hence i've not really been here)

i've since ( which isn't an advisable move) come of of all of my medication...psych and non psych.i didn't wean, i was 'silly', and did it all at once, just stopped.
Along side this i stopped drinking, stopped smoking, i've not even been drinking caffeine.Eating reasonably healthy food...blah blah blah.. of course the subtext to this is pregnancy... but thats not what i'm getting at just now...

never before have i had the strength, or the thought of the strength to even give up smoking, let alone medication.

seeing as i only came out of hospital at the beginning of november- one would assume that it was the stupidest thing i could do, and that it was an effort to self destruct.....

quite wrong.

it wasn't about that at all. i have this huge desire to be clean. cleansed....and meds were dirty to me.
despite having been on anti-ds and ps for over 8 years, i just wanted it to stop. immediately. even the effexor didn't stop me from doing this. no withdrawal was as strong as my need to be clean of it all. right. that .second.

so i did. since the 1st of november. no meds.

i didn't discuss this with my doc. which i should have. but he doesn't listen to me , and is a bully. i know whatever i say to him he has NO respect. so i don't bother. THIS OF COURSE IS NOT ADVISED_ NOR AM I SUGGESTING THAT ITS A GOOD THING TO DO

but for me - it was a good thing. is a good thing. i'm not 'happy' but i feel SO much better than i've ever felt on anti depressants and psychotics. whats more, without the sleeping meds i'm actually getting More sleep- it took about a week but i'm finally in a Natural sleeping pattern; first time ever within my memory.

not only this, but i have gone from self injuring, generally at least once a day for the last 18 years....i've stopped. completely, since coming off of the medication. and i have no urges to take it up - at all. i still have all of my blades...i just don't feel the need to use them.

i don't even feel that its strength that i'm experiencing... i don't really know what it is.... from being totally in the depths of suicidality, to being where i am now...in 2 months...without therapy or medication....i don't understand it at all, nor do i know what its about.
All i know is that, maybe, my body finally took over and told me what i needed to do to deal with all of this. i needed to stop depending on medication and self injury. i need to be healthy. i need to not work through things, but leave them behind and just stop carrying them.
i don't know whats given me the ability to do so. i have no idea. there was no specific change that made me feel this way... it was just necessary. and to me ...totally weird....
but as it stands , i'm over a month free...nearly 2 - which i've never done without a slip up before in 18 whole years.
i feel as though i was being so supressed by the meds after such a long time that i needed the freedom from them to break free from myself.
the only thing that makes me sad is the state of my body and what i've done to it.
of course i'm saddened by things still, and they're still there. its very hard to describe whats going on for me because i don't really understand it myself... hence i wanted to share in the hope someone external might be able to give me insight... i don't understand what i'm feeling - please tell me
its good. i know its good. and whatever made this happen. its good.but its really ****ing weird.....

anyhow ... much love my dear friends xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx