This might be an unpopular notion..
... but Christmas is just another day. Except with added stress, added tension, added anxiety. It's no wonder you feel so stressed and upset!
You have such nasty words to describe yourself, but I bet that they couldn't be justified. You're certainly not a horrible and disgusting person for cutting on Christmas, not at all.
Are you getting any support for this? I can hear you, you sound so trapped and lost with how you are feeling, and I am so sorry for that. Do you have anyone you can speak with honestly & openly about what you're going through, such as a doctor or counsellor?
Your Mum would most certainly miss you, I am sure that you're very precious to her and that if she did lose you, it would break her world. Please, do try and be strong for her and maybe ask for her help through this?
You deserve to feel so much better than this, and I believe one day you will be able to but you need to be alive to give yourself the chance. We are all here for you, here to help you through this - you're not alone
xxxxxx
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