[Lou_Pie]

I think I was sexually abused by an ex. But the problem is I'm always confused about if it happened or not, or if I caused it by not speaking up enough (I rarely said no). Also, I worry that it wasn't really abuse, and that I'm just weird and didn't like the things he was doing, or that I made it up in rage after we broke up. I just don't know.

Recently, I've found myself enjoying sex acts (I have vaginismus and can't have penetrative sex) less and less. I hardly feel like I'm there and I'm often thinking of something else. Twice there has been an incident where my boyfriend pleasured me quickly, without foreplay, and although I wasn't keen on him doing it I let him carry on. Have I learned this helplessness? More importantly, I think that because I let him do it, then I must have caused the previous abuse. I bet if anyone were to ask my ex if he sexually abused me he would be utterly confused and deny it. Also, I think I'm bi-sexual so maybe my recent disinterest in sex is because of that, or maybe that's why I think my ex abused me - because I'm actually gay, or something, and so never enjoyed the things we did. I have anorexia, and since I 'decided' I'd been sexually abused it's been getting severe.

I blame myself completely for something that I'm not even sure happened.

Also, my current boyfriend is into various fetishes and I've been going along with that, even though I've never thought about them before.

I just feel completely numb. I don't know if I like the things we do, but I can orgasm so I must do, right?

Oh god. Someone help me.