[Nineflyz]

i relapsed again, stupid me but goes along with how i always seem to screw up. i can't tell my parents they will probaly disown me i really don't under stand them they are confusing and they are strange they wanna be like all supportive and that but then they can't handle the truth. the first time i went into clinic my dad like laid a whole guilt trip on me like what was i thinking didn't i know how this was affecting my mom and my brother then they like tried to convince me not to go but i was like whatever they don't want anything to do with my life. like everything is my fault it took me a year and a half to pay off my first visit. when i counselor wanted a conjoint my parents got all angry and defensive and i wasn't even blaming them for anything i just wanted help. 2 years later i landed in clinic again they still wouldn't pay so i am stuck with paying that off at the moment had to quit my studies and all so i could work and earn some money. but now they are like oh we want to help you so you can live at home for free while you paying off all your debt which is fine i don't need their money at least then i don't owe them anything. i mean i am grateful that they lettting me live here an all it helps alot but they think that this is all a choice and i must like choose to be happy an all that except it's not that easy.
i totally feel like sometimes things would be easier if i was just dead but i don't wanna die but i don't really wanna live either thing it's in my mind all the time like i'm not suicidal but i don't really see the point to living really everything is such a screwup, i'm such a screwup like nothing i do is ever right. so i relapse and my parents get mad so then i don't tell them and they get mad cause i'm lying to them. i try not to cut in obvious places i have scars all over my arms but in SA people don't realy know much about self harm so i don't get asked to many questions. my parents reckon that if i'm in short sleeves and shorts then i'm not cutting but i wouldn't dare wear a costume. i feel like such a failure cause i haven't achieved like everything that my brother has he is such the little blue eyed boy and i never make the grade it's really hard. so i really wonder what is the point i'm not making a difference in anybody's life even the stuff that i am good at is all a lie i just pretend to be all confident and stuff so that people don't ask questions cause if people don't ask questions then i don't have to explain myself and people can't reject me. it gets really lonely here there. i told a friend today that i relapsed but she didn't say much just that she was glad that i told her and she promised not to say anything in group.
i don't know anymore i think about death all the time like what if i die now then i think well that wouldn't be so bad would it, then i think of like all these creative ways that i could kill myself but then i would just be giving the satisfaction to everybody out there who wishes that i was rather dead. maybe i should just die then every1 will be happy and i won't be anyones problem anymore and then i can't ruin anything like i always do. anyway i am rambling now. wanna cut so bad and i have to see my counselor tomorrow and she's probally gonna ask and i don't know whether i should lie or just be honest for once.