[BlueB]

Last night my mum found out that I was abused by my dad....raped anyway....it sickens me to even have to say that's what it was.

I don't live with her at the moment and all I got was a text saying she found something I had written for my therapist on my bedroom floor while she was hoovering....so now she knows and I can't cope with it,in fact I can't bear the fact that she knows and I don't even know what's going on...she sent me a few texts saying I need to go to the police,if I don't she will and asking me when it happened,that's it...that if I wanted to talk we could after Xmas.

How am I supposed to go home next week and play happy families with her and my brother?!I hate Christmas as it is and I'm going to be staying there for 2 weeks....I really can't cope with this.I'm so angry that I was stupid enough to leave something out on my floor for her to find,I don't remember doing it but obviously it was there,there are loads of other letters in my room that I've written to my therapist over the last 6 months,stuff that she's probably already found,I'm completely ****ed basically.

I'm angry at her...all she could be bothered to sent is a few crappy text messages,she didn't even ask me how I feel about it,somehow everything always becomes about her as usual and all she can do is be annoyed at me because I didn't tell her before and I've chosen to speak to my therapist over her.

I'm really struggling to hold on,I could just about deal with my therapist knowing and everything I'm talking to him about,but not her as well....I'm so confused too because I thought she knew what he had done all this time but had just avoided talking about it...I don't know what to do,I can't ring her,I never want to speak to her again.I called my therapist yesterday and left a message asking him to call me back today but I don't know if he will...I'm scared,I took an OD last night,obviously didn't work because I'm fine but I want to do it again today....I need somebody so badly and there is no-one here,I want a hug and there is never anybody there to comfort me,I can't bear this loneliness,I feel completely broken and I don't think there is anything anyone can do to put me back together again....I've ruined everything yet again and nothing is going to be the same again with my mum now she knows.

I can't do this anymore,it's all too much.