I see such things as strong shadow-dark self annihilation fantasies. They're so strong and enduring because the agony of it all has become deeply embedded over the years. It can be tough to shift your centre of balance. Did your dr suggest any ways of coping? The best way I know is to work things through in therapy, talk about it.
I suffered similar when I was in my mid-twenties. I wasn't in therapy then, but even talking about them years later has been a weight off my mind.
It sounds like perhaps yourself has been lost in the equation that is your life. What would it take to bring you back?
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