of course i don't think that. :P i'm still praying for you. and if you want permission to feel like this, as long as you don't act on it, well...even Elijah, who was considered the greatest prophet right up until new testament times, struggled with suicide. It's right in 1 Kings 19.
"Ahab told his wife Jezebel what Elijah had done and that he had killed the prophets. he sent a message to Elijah: "You killed my prophets. Now I'm going to kill you! I pray that the gods will punish me even more severely if I don't do it by this time tomorrow." Elijah was afraid when he got her message, and he ran to the town of Beersheba in Judah. He left his servant there, then walked another whole day into the desert. Finally, he came to a large bush and sat down in its shade. He begged the LORD, "I've had enough. Just let me die! I'm no better off than my ancestors." Then he lay down in the shade and fell asleep." (verses 1-5)
And all this is right after Elijah succesfully defeats 450 false prophets! Yet he runs from this one woman. Someone explained to me once that this was because the spirit and courage he had before from God, and himself; and that even those who have the greatest zeal and courage for religion, for God, and his worship, his truths and ordinances, if left to themselves, become weak and frightened. If you look at what happens next in that chapter, it isn't so much Elijah dealing with his suicidal thoughts as it is that God takes care of him and helps him. All Elijah really does is listen.
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