Thanks everyone.
Matt, you're right. I'm not really talking about romantic love here, although of course that would be part of it. What I'm facing is a primal inability to love others, to feel love, because of huge amounts of envy, jealousy, hatred and anger.
I'm really scared, because, well. It explains so much. But surely people will run away from someone like me, not even giving me a chance to experience love. But no, actually I run away from others because I'm jealous and angry.
I'm not a cold person. I'm not. I have tears in my eyes as I'm typing this. I can be cold. But that aches. It really aches.
I want to be at peace with myself and others, hold my conflicts in awareness but not act them out so that my relationships are damaged or incomplete. I want ... to feel as a whole person does.
I do feel concern, I have felt tenderness and empathy. I do have insight.
I'm just blindsided by this bomb of internal envy and hatred and longing.
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