[hereforhelp]

First off - I know I need to go back to the hospital.

I hate doing it though. I haven't been inpatient in almost a year and really don't want to go back to it. My self-injury is off the charts, my eating is all screwed up and I don't know how much longer I can keep going on like this.

I think of killing myself almost constantly, and I don't mind. The only thing that stops me is thinking about how upset my best friend would be. I have everything I need but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't want to have to do it.

My therapist suggested hospitalization last week and I flat out refused. Now it's not really my choice. If I don't go willingly she's going to get a court order and force me to go.

The biggest problem that I have about going is missing school. My liscencing exam is the begining of December and I can't miss class with that exam right around the corner. I've worked so hard to get this far.

I've been to the hospital before, I know how it works. My biggest fear is that when I get there I'm just going to tell them what they want to hear and not get anything out of it.

I don't really have a question, I just need reassurance that I'm doing the right thing by going.