[tamobhuuta]

i'm sorry for writing this, i ought to be being helpful for other people at least but i'm failing. this mightn't make sense when i write it so i might come back and make it legible later or when i finish, idk. and i don't know why i'm writing this yet either but maybe writing it'll help me work that out.

at the beginning of this week the downess started coming out and i skipped my art lesson on monday, ended up cutting in the girls' bathroom. i didn't tell the teacher that when she asked where i'd got to, why i left the class, said i felt bad that was all, and she said i mustn't do that again. on tuesday i managed to work in the morning but things took over again in the afternoon and i had the same teacher, so she was saying what's wrong, i care... i had another teacher that afternoon too and i was still shut down, could only nod or shake my head when he asked me questions.
same things pretty much happened on wednesday.

and yesterday things went bad. watching a video of the crucifixion in RE, well i couldn't watch but i couldn't shut out the sound. asked to be excused, and i went and i hid and cried and cried because everything the Voice says forced its way back into my head and the Voice is coming to get me, he's going to kill me because i'm not human, i'm Pain, an invader, a thief, a murderer, and it'll be painful, very very painful because it's what i deserve, and even once i'm pushed out of this body it'll go on hurting until i'm destroyed. my only escape is to end it myself before the Voice arrives.

the funny thing is you can 'look very down' and people don't stop noticing, but be in real danger and you're invisible. maybe they're giving me a chance, to kill myself and let ****** come back, before they turn on me and take the Voice's side.

i always go to church and it's such a wonderful thing but how can i go when i ought to be dead.
'my' parents mustn't know what i'm thinking because they're convinced i am human, they'd try to stop this.
i don't want to die, i want to be human, i want the Voice to be lying, i want help.

i shouldn't be asking people for help, and you'll probably all take the Voice's side, but if you don't, please help, tell me what to do (except to tell my parents, i can not do that).
what should i do?
should i end it?
should i tell someone?