[babii.blu.eyes.]

i know i never post here. but please. i cant do this anymore.
im trying so hard not to cut. to eat. not to purge. trying to please everyone.
i cant do it.
i cant bear to eat anymore.
i cant bear to go another minute without cutting.
i dont want to keep living.
there is NO point.
when he called me on friday night i dont know what happened.
i havent been doing well. im never doing well.
but i had been coping.
and now im not.
everything has come crashing down around me and i cant even compose myself in the morning.
normally i can atleast last half a day. normally a whole day.
im sorry.
i got sent home. wasnt allowed to sit my exam.
when i got home.
i cut. over and over and over and over. untill i couldnt feel anything anymore.
i didnt want to feel.
to top everything off. a guy at school assumed he knew why i was crying.
and now he is telling everyone im pregnant.
ive already had 2 abortions.
i DONT need to be constantly reminded about having children.
when i cant.
and i want to so bad.
the pain is back. i want to cut again.
this is all too hard.
and i know people tell me im strong enough. but im not.
some people see. some people dont.
why cant my parents see how fake i am. why cant they see that i hurt so bad. no i dont want them to see. but god how i do want them to see.
everything just hurts so so bad.
and i want everything to end.
im so sick of this life. im so sick of everything that happens in life.
i just cant take this anymore.
it just wont go away.
all of it.
im sorry this is so long. and im sorry to be so 'needy'
i just didnt know what to do.
part of my wants to go back into hospital. but i know that my psych wont send me. i just know she doesnt think im bad enough. and i dont want to ask her for hospital. last time i admitted and asked for it. she wouldnt because she thought i wasnt bad enough because i was rational enough to ask.
omg.
im so so scared right now.

xxox.
anna.