i don't think you're a freak at all. i think you're hurting really bad, just like the rest of us. and none of us are freaks so neither are you.
getting diagnosed with something like BPD can be a bombshell. i remember when i got it. you're there, stumbling along for years in the darkness not knowing what the hell is going on (and nobody will tell you) then suddenly - bam. you're told you have BPD. and it's a serious illness. it's long-term and it's complex. it's hard for people to really tell you what BPD is, i think, because it's so complex that it's different for everyone. and treatment is different again. i've known of my diagnosis for almost three years, and spent a year of that living with people with BPD - and i still don't know what BPD really is! because everyone's different.
when i was in residential, all i was really sure of was that people with BPD are really f*cking brave. i mean really. the things we go through and the emotions we have to endure. people with BPD are survivors, they fight against the odds because usually little support is offered from services.
i still don't know which parts of me are BPD are which are *me*. when i was first diagnosed i hated the diagnosis and kicked against it. it gets easier after time. it also gets easier when people tell you that it's not your fault. something like between 2 and 15% of the population could be diagnosed with a PD, so it's really common. it's just for some people it's more interfering and enduring.
it's okay to feel however you feel about having BPD. give yourself time to get used to it, talk to your GP and whoever else you trust, and read up a bit about it. though, no matter which books you read on BPD, your feelings are still your feelings and they're still painful and real. if they fit, or if they don't fit with what the professionals say, that's okay.
i hope that now you have the diagnosis that your treatment will move on from here. there was some legislation that came out a few years ago entitled "Personality Disorder: No Longer A Diagnosis of Exclusion". it sort of means that services can't just turn people away because of the diagnosis anymore. it didn't work that great when it came out but i think it's slowly slowly improving and understanding about it is getting better. the government are becoming more focussed on the need to treat personality disorder as a serious mental health problem, and i think there will be some new legislation out next year to back this up.
sorry i rambled. i really rambled. it probably wasn't helpful, but i hope some of it made sense.
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