[x-mixedemotions]

May not be very good, but I did try. x

Chapter 18.
I sit and stare at the other people that have gathered in the same room as me, for “group therapy” as they are calling it. I shouldn’t be here and I definatly do not need group therapy. I wonder how long it will take for this group of people will realise.
“Hello everyone, welcome to group therapy. As you can see we have a new young lady joining us, her names Laura and she joined us yesterday. Laura, would you like to stand up and introduce yourself to the group?” I look at this mans name badge, Les.
‘Not really, theres nothing to say’ I say back, looking him straight in they eyes. A couple of people in the room gasp and some laugh, all eyes focusing on me.
“This is what every new person does, Laura, Please stand up and introduce yourself to the group, tell us about yourself and your family” I stand up reluctantly
‘I’m Laura, my parents are bastards and I shouldn’t ****ing be here. Ok?’ I pick my jacket up from the chair and walk out of the room. Les follows after me and grabs my arm
“Laura, come back into group therapy, please?” He lets go of my arm as I turn to face him
‘No, I won’t come back into group bloody therapy, when are you people going to realise I don’t need one on one therapy, family therapy, group therapy and all of the rest of the rubbish you lot are trying to make me go through?’
“You do, but I won’t force you. I’m going to get Barbara to come and talk to you after this session is finished, you are obviously having some issues right now and you need to talk about them” Les smiles at me slightly and nods “ok?”
‘Do whatever the hell you like, you all seem to be anyway so why start listening to me now’ I turn and walk away with a steady pace, mumbling to myself. Theres only slight life, movement in the nurses station because every patient is either in the dining hall or in some kind of therapy. I turn the handle of the door to my room and enter it, leaning back against it I start crying uncontrollably taking sharp breaths and feeling panic take over me. It doesnt take long for a panic attack to take over and my breathing to become uncontrollable. I untie the bandage of my wrist and stare at the cuts. I start picking at the stitches that were placed there after the surgery I had and pull them out one by one. A puddle of blood gathering down my crossed lefts and onto the floor. A sudden rush of relief takes over and I am no longer finding it hard to breathe, no longer panicing. I’m nothing but calm.
A minute passes by and theres a knock on my door and a slight push against it.
“Laura? Are you sat by the door?” Hayley says in a calm, friendly voice. “Are you ok in there Laura? Will you let me in?” I don’t answer and she tries to push the door open again “Laura, i’m going to get security in a minute if you don’t let me in, please move from the door and i’ll come and talk to you” I pull myself forward across the floor, smearing the blood on the floor which makes me laugh out loud. Hayley opens the door and looks down at me
“Oh Laura” she says as she comes over to me, pressing the nurse button on her way in.
“it’s ok now, i’m here” She wraps her arm around my shoulders and strokes my hair and checks my wounds with the other hand until Valerie walks in, remember the nurse with the funny smelling perfume and the patronising tone in her voice? Yeah, its her again. She walks in and takes one look at me
“you stupid girl” she mutters under her breathe. “come on, get up we’re taking you to the doctor” Valerie grabs my arm with her hand and I push her away
‘**** you, Valerie’ I spit at her and she looks at me in shock
“Laura, don’t do this, we’re going to help you and then you can talk to Barbara” Hayley says to me calmly “Valerie just wants to help you up, will you let her?” I look at Hayley and shake my head
“No, i won’t let her, I can get my own damn self up” I say again and start laughing. I am full of nothing but hatred, I can see the upset in Hayleys eyes and the disgust in Valeries but it does nothing but make me more angry, for reasons i’m not sure about.
I get myself up slowly, with Hayley holding pressure to my wounds. I go dizzy and I find my feet and Valerie stands the other side of me but I push her away. I shuffle along to the emergency room and sit myself on the bed, holding my arms out so the doctor can inspect the damage. I’m past the point of caring now. He puts steri strips on them after washing them and insists on telling me over and over how lucky I am that they had a bed avaiable here and how i’m lucky that my parents care about me. Each little thing about my parents goes into my mind, stored away incase I need to use them at a later date. Hayley comes back into the room and tells me that Barbara wants to see me and helps me walk through the hospital to see her.
“Whats going on Laura?” Hayley asks as we sit outside waiting to be called in
‘What do you mean?’ I ask
“Why are you so destructive at the moment, whats going on in your head to make you feel this way?” Hayley asks and I look at her
‘I shouldn’t be here, don’t you understand that either? So what if i self harm, so what if i did it a little to deep, I shouldn’t be locked in this damn hospital just because of that’
“Your parents agreed to have you admitted for a reason though, Laura, they obviously care about you and want you to get better” I shake my head and look at her in the eyes
‘Will you listen to me?Will you be the one person that will actually listen to what I say? Will you look at me in the eyes while i’m telling you, Hayley?’ I ask her
“If you feel thats what you want, then yes” I see something in Hayleys eyes that I havn’t seen before, with me or anyone else and it sends butterflies to my stomach.
‘Come and have a drink with me in the yard after i’m done here and I’ll tell you, ok?’ I say to her
“I’ll need to check with Valerie, but i’m sure that will be ok” Barbara opens her door and calls me in “I’ll be in the nurses station Laura” I nod and get up and walk into the room and sit down.

“I hear theres been some trouble today” Barbara says to me and I shrug my shoulders
‘what kind of trouble would that be?’ I ask
“The incident in group therapy and the trouble with your self destructive behaviour that happened not to long ago”
‘Ooh right, that’ I say sarcastically
“I’m not here to shout at you or to get on at you. I just wanted to ask if theres anything you would like to talk about” Barbara asks and I shake my head
‘Not right now’ I say and she nods and takes a note ‘I would like to ask to be taken out of group therapy, though, I won’t benefit from anything like that as I never have’
“I will take you out of group therapy for the moment and focus on the one to one therapy along with the therapy with your family, until your stable enough to cope with the group therapy. I’m also going to increase your medication and it may improve your moods” Barbara explains and I nod “is there anything else you want to talk about?” She asks me and I shake my head “ok, i’ll see you tomorrow for another meeting” she says and stands up. I follow her and walks through the hospital until I reach the nurses station. Ringing the bell Hayley appears with a smile.
‘Give me a second and i’ll be right with you’ I go and take a seat outside in the yard and wait for Hayley. Looking at the other patients you can see why they are here, but I still fail to see why I am.