Firstly I dont think youre horrible at all, I think youre a tired and stressed new mum and its normal to feel anxious all the time. Everyone knows you love Harlan but Im guessing you feel guilty for thinking anything negative but its ok.
I think the best thing to do is call your mum and talk to her about this,you never know....she mightve felt exactly the same way. Of course you will want him back, but this is all new for you and youre just finding your feet. You know you dont have to perform everything perfectly....my friend who had a baby recently is always telling me she just muddles through at the moment.
But the number one thing to remember is that youre not a bad mother/horrible person....you just need a bit of a break and thats ok, it doesnt make you bad, it makes you human!
Take care.x
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