[Yellow]

worst than ever.

yesterday it all hit the fan.
chenoa was supposed to babysit kaleb while went to the docs...she had agreed to do it the day before. nana talked to kelly yesterday afternoon and told her that chenoa went to sleep 30 minutes after kaleb had been there which went nana had to watch him.

chenoa came over last night. i was giving kaleb a bath and when she knocked, i told kelly she should have a talk with her. thats ALL i said. i dont even know what kelly said to her because i was with kaleb.

few minutes later kelly's father showed up. he's the only one that has never had a problem with me or so i thought. he came in, sat down and asked "who is the mama around here?" kelly said "we both are". i was standing in the kitchen and he decided to go on a rant about how kelly does everything i tell her and then he pointed his finger at me and said "you need to keep your damn mouth shut." i got dizzy. i went to the bedroom becausxe i thought i would pass out. hes never spoken to me like that and the tone of his voice was so mean. my tears finally came and wouldnt stop.

later last night, kelly called her mother and during the conversation, her mother called me a "god damn bitch". kelly immediately hung up on her.
im floored. im hurt. im angry. im confused.

i have become so involved in kaleb's life that i am raising him as if he were my own. but i have to stop because this family is so foreign to me. when i had keith, his grandparents respected my rules and if they didnt i wouldnt let keith visit for a while. i have let myself love kaleb too much. but how can i not???

i know kelly's parents would have put me out by now if i werent paying the bills. thats all i am to them. a financial guarantee.

ive hit an all time low. i fully intended to harm last night but i didnt. i guess i was just too exhausted to bother with the effort.

no one has ever spoken to me like this before except my own family(how pathetic).

im way too passionate about children...way too concerned. i guess ive stepped on too many toes. i have to take a step back, distance m,yself from kaleb somehow. but i dont know how.

sorry for the rant.