[roiben]

I went for my first appointment with the local cmht today. It was following a referral from a&e... i.e the a&e referral got their quicker than my GPs referral did... I guess taking an od on Monday didn't help.

So, today I saw the nurse at the cmht to talk through what I did, why and what help I thought I needed. I have come away with the information that I have to wait for a letter with an appointment with a psychiatrist, who will be able to tell me what if anything is wrong and perhaps help sort out the best course of action. Although I knew (from reading up on cmht's et al) that this is what would happen - I would see a nurse, go away and wait for another appointment. I can't help but feel like I am back to the same place I was when I originally asked my GP for a referral... I am back to waiting for a letter, unsure what the result of it will be and having to try and cling on with whatever straws I have until something comes through or happens.

The other thing that came out of the appointment today, was that I know /something/ is wrong, just not necessarilly what - after all, 'normal' 'stable' people do not take od's. They do not have erratic moods and a lack of awareness of what or where they are at all times. I don't know, part of me thinks the psychiatrist will tell me to go away and stop being silly and wasting their time. The other part of me wants a clear cut diagnosis, a 'this is what is wrong' so that I can then get back on the road of getting help... after all, I must've wanted that help, as I didn't take all the pills I had available at the time on Monday, I went to the Drs, who sent me to a&e... and I gave my boyfriend those left afterwards. If I didn't want help, I wouldve let autopilot do what it does best: destroy me.

I ... wanted to put it down somewhere. Makes it harder to deny to myself later. Sorry if it is in the wrong place and for waffling at you all.