the time was i could be clever and witty about my problems. now i’m just dull and stupid.pathetic-really. the lure of knowing you're the constant outsider fades into the reality of alienating yourself from everyone and everything.hiding your problems for so long means that most people you know hardly know you at all.
a whirling vortex of pain doesn’t begin to describe it. i hate not being able to cope and going to ask for help is pretty much the final admission that i can’t. after everything you'd have thought i'd have been more resliant, not weaker.i should be.i've coped with so much worse before,i should be able to deal with all of this in a breeze. fact is, it just makes it all worse. i’m exhausted by the constant struggle. i have nothing left to put into the fight. at this point it’s medical attention or suicide and i figure i might as well try the medical attention while i wait at the bus stop. though help, like public transport, is much delayed. its like going to wait for the bus 2 years before its due to come- but with unbearable pain while you're waiting.
it's strange. there are so many little steps involved in preparing everything- especially when you don't want to ruin the couch. it used to be something i thought about, still do, but not.
it all happens on autopiolet. there's not any consionus decision making, just a series of events that take place with me somewhere in the vicinity. collecting together tools and first aid to 'get ready', nothing to do with me. im barely there.
physically, mentally, socially, psychologically- distraught. very messy at the moment. lost count of the amount of times i've passed out- pathetic isn't it. just now i can't even change the dressing without a wave of nausea and seiring lightheadedness. i can feel it penetrate my head as if in slow motion, and then, boom. out for the count, again.
another traumatic seizure, they always make me feel rough- but having been feeling so rough to begin with, i'm nothing short of crawling round my flat, knowing that if i stand i will end up on the floor within seconds. its so ridiculous.
constantly cold.despite having tried everything. to the point where my body was overheating, but i still felt frozen.
this highly functional exterior that seems to be nothing but compulsory at times like this, is, ironically, distructive.
from distraught anguish to a pleasant smile in less than a second; you can’t stay in the suffocating emptiness forever, though.
i think i've forgotten how to feel lonely. i used to experience terrible feelings of loneliness. But now, the loneliness is there, but locked up tight behind a door i can’t remember how to open. other feelings? i can flip between anguish and emptiness easily. both’ll kill you in the end. it all stays locked away.
|