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kevin · 28-09-2008, 04:28 AM

I just wanted to see if others have felt the way that I do. And if they think it is due to depression. I recently started taking depakote. I believe that I am manic depressive. Its amazing, I dont get real real manic, I guess hypomanic because I can identify with some of the hypomanic symptoms. IE (its important that I dont lose sight of these things) I have felt like I was super inteligent yet could not apply it in any useful or purposeful way. One time I felt like I had been struck with a message from God that came across me in a very emotional way and I dont even remember what that message was. The racing thoughts or flight of ideas I had that hard core at brief times and some pressured speech behind it. Like it just felt wonderful to talk and my thoughts just felt like they were fascinating. I can understand the science behind it better than when I was younger. When I was younger I always thought bad situations had put me in a bad spot which is true but it was not only the situation. The situation was bad but it brought the illness out which I am starting to understand. Right now I am in a nasty depression. Really bad I just started to take depakote and so my level is not to where it needs to be. I told the pdoc about the suicidal thoughts and was told that just comes with the depression. I took the beck depressive inventory and got a real bad score , real bad. Its amazing how I can still function somewhat which will make me sometimes think that I am not that sick right now but when I take the test it shows me different. Distracting myself from the thoughts about suicide and the hopelessness and worthlessness are real hard to get around. Plus the irritability and emotional sensitivness to things is real bad. Anyway I guess I have to keep reminding myself that I am sick right now and that I have to let the meds kick in. It is like living in a nightmarish hell almost everything has that kind of feel to it. Like a living hell feel to it. abrasive people become like 10 times more nasty then if I wasnt depressed. Sometimes it feels like a hollowness like I could hack off my finger and I wouldnt feel it. I know this isnt true but the thought just comes across my mind because of how hollow I feel. Anyway I hope these meds kick in and offer some kindness to this sick brain. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that its the illness and not reality which is hard because the hopelessness just feels so real. My pdoc said that it was kind of like dreaming while you are awake which I can agree with because I went to the dinner with a friend the other night and while I was talking my brain started to wake up alittle it was a weird sensation like it was actually turning on compared to when I am not talking. anyway any identification?

28-09-2008, 04:28 AM	#1
kevin Join Date: Sep 2008	hanging in I just wanted to see if others have felt the way that I do. And if they think it is due to depression. I recently started taking depakote. I believe that I am manic depressive. Its amazing, I dont get real real manic, I guess hypomanic because I can identify with some of the hypomanic symptoms. IE (its important that I dont lose sight of these things) I have felt like I was super inteligent yet could not apply it in any useful or purposeful way. One time I felt like I had been struck with a message from God that came across me in a very emotional way and I dont even remember what that message was. The racing thoughts or flight of ideas I had that hard core at brief times and some pressured speech behind it. Like it just felt wonderful to talk and my thoughts just felt like they were fascinating. I can understand the science behind it better than when I was younger. When I was younger I always thought bad situations had put me in a bad spot which is true but it was not only the situation. The situation was bad but it brought the illness out which I am starting to understand. Right now I am in a nasty depression. Really bad I just started to take depakote and so my level is not to where it needs to be. I told the pdoc about the suicidal thoughts and was told that just comes with the depression. I took the beck depressive inventory and got a real bad score , real bad. Its amazing how I can still function somewhat which will make me sometimes think that I am not that sick right now but when I take the test it shows me different. Distracting myself from the thoughts about suicide and the hopelessness and worthlessness are real hard to get around. Plus the irritability and emotional sensitivness to things is real bad. Anyway I guess I have to keep reminding myself that I am sick right now and that I have to let the meds kick in. It is like living in a nightmarish hell almost everything has that kind of feel to it. Like a living hell feel to it. abrasive people become like 10 times more nasty then if I wasnt depressed. Sometimes it feels like a hollowness like I could hack off my finger and I wouldnt feel it. I know this isnt true but the thought just comes across my mind because of how hollow I feel. Anyway I hope these meds kick in and offer some kindness to this sick brain. I guess I have to keep reminding myself that its the illness and not reality which is hard because the hopelessness just feels so real. My pdoc said that it was kind of like dreaming while you are awake which I can agree with because I went to the dinner with a friend the other night and while I was talking my brain started to wake up alittle it was a weird sensation like it was actually turning on compared to when I am not talking. anyway any identification?
kevin Join Date: Sep 2008