I think that it's really important for you to talk to a professional about this, they will be able to answer many of your questions. You can start by going to your GP. They will be able to direct you to a mental health professional who you will be able to talk to about anything that you need to get off of your chest and who will be able to prescribe you medicine if need be.
No one here can answer many of your questions such as "why am i feeling this way?"... we can speculate, but no one will be able to give you a real answer except for a professional.
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