It Keeps Coming Back
 

Last night I was sat down stairs on my on. I was feeling like crap anyway so I thought I'd do something to take my mind off that feeling, maybe get some work done, maybe not.
I was going through my english folder, I found a screwed up scribbled note: ILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUILOVEYOUIL OVEYOU
all over it, filling the paper it was on. Then I remembered why I wrote it, who made me feel so unloved, so useless, so wasted, dirty.
I didn't really know what was happeneing. In my head I saw it all again, it was just replaying, everything he said to me that night, every touch, just everything. It made me feel sick, thinking about what he did, not just thinking, but it was like I could feel him. his hands over my face, stopping me from screaming, even from breathing.
The way he held me down, the way I froze with fear when I realised what was going on, the smell of his sweat. Even the way he walked out once he was done with me and the way I drowned the gin to try and make me think it didnt happen.
I couldn't believe it, I felt like I was there again. When it stopped i felt weird, as if it wasn't me, I was cold and tired and shaking, I was crying, I don't cry, well not much.
I couldn't stop myself, 1 month 25 days, that's how long I went with out cutting, but I found myself doing it last night, and I couldn't stop myself, I felt so gahh and it just kind of happened.
Now my girlfriend knows, I told her why, but not all of why, i didn't tell her what happened in detail but I she knows that I cut and a vague detail as to why. A few things she doesn't know is that it's only 9 days until it's been a year.
And I'm not sure what to do about next year.
He's the year above me, and I've just found out, He goes to the college that I'm meant to be going to next year. What the hell am I meant to do, how am I going to cope seeing him EVERY day I'm there.
What if comes up to me, starts threatening me like he did after it happened, he told me he had spies everywhere I was watching to see if I told and if he did, he'd do it again.
I don't want to see him every day, I don't think I could hndle it.
Is it too late to enrole into a different college?
If I can't get into any others, what do I do about him?
I really Don't Know what to do.
It seems like everytime I think about it, i think about him, I end up f**king myself up, and I can't be doin that any more, I just don't know who to tell who can help me

*cuddles*
Well done for going so long about cutting and you slipped up but thats ok it doesn't mean you can't start again and maybe try get a bit further.
I am sorry you had to go through that and none of it is your fault do you think you would be able to talk to your girlfriend about it more? If not you could go to your doctor they could refer you to somewhere so you can have someone to talk to about it.
When you see it you might want to try some of these things to help you Clicky
If you phone around it isn't too late to enrol in a different college lots of places will still take on students. If you can't chances are he won't approach you if he does you need to tell someone to make sure he can't hurt you again.
Take care of yourself love
x

*hugs* it's ok. well done for not cutting for so long. it's very understandable you slipped up. have you ever pressed charges against this person? maybe a restraining order could help? that way he couldn't go near you at college. he probably doesn't have spies; he probably just said that to scare you. But you have every right to be away from him. otherwise it could be worth checking into another college. PM me if you ever need to talk or rant or whatever. we're always here for you.