can anyone help me? *very triggering*
 

i dont know if this is the correct place to put this. but it says trauma support so i figured it was ok.

my father is dying of cancer.
i want to care about this.
i want to have some sort of emotion.
ive decided that he and i will never come to a resolve because he isnt willing to.
i dont even exist to him anymore.

i have complex PTSD from my father. he raped me from the time i was 7 until i was 12. it became very routine and i knew what to expect. there were also beatings that i still have physical scars from.
my sister and brother were never touched, which i am thankful for. but i wonder why he hated me so much to do those things.

im not really having flashbacks but its constantly on my mind. so many things remind me of him.
and the most confusing part is that there were good times too. at times he made me feel like the most important person in the world. but at the same time, he nearly killed me. i suffered broken ribs and my back will always be damaged because thats where he hit me mostly.

i dont want him to die before i let him know that even though he did all those things, i still love him. and i feel so twisted for that. im just really confused and im tired of thinking about it. but i cant make it stop. it makes me so sad.

every little girl wants their daddy. and even though im grown, i really wish i had a daddy.

im sorry for rambling.
thanks for listening.
xx

thank you chels...
i am so extremely emotional right now. its all coming on top of me.
the heavyness of the sadness is so hard.
youre support means so much to me.
i know youre going through a really tough time too

i am in no way disregarding your age, but i remember being 13 and under control of my father and i would NEVER want to go back there.
please take care of you.
much love.
xx

I'm sorry about what you're going through, I can see that this is really difficult for you. It sounds as if it's really important for you to let your Dad know how you are feeling, please try and do this if you can. It might help you to get things out into the open, even if you feel that he doesn't listen to you. Writing a letter to him could be a good idea.

I can understand that you want a Dad who treats you as if he is your Dad. Unfortunately you can't change how he is, but with time i'm sure that you will develop better relationships with other people. I know that they could never really be a Dad to you though. I hope that you're alright. Please get in touch any time. Take care. xxx

thank you.

i love my dad, and hate what he did to me. its the third anniversary since he died today and i miss him and i know i have complex feelings about who he was. i had a shamanic ceremony just over a year ago, where i released him and others. i also offered all my abusers up to the greater power - what people call god and that felt a release too. it wasn't the same as forgiving absolutely as some churchy types say one should. it was more i was f**ing agry with these people, and still hateful, and yet let the burden be taken up by their spiritual source whether dark or light, so that i didn't have to carry their crap any more. that was important to me, to not feel responsible and tied to these b***tards in that way.

feeling you want contact is so natural. part of the love/abuse thing goes along the same lines as stockholm syndrome/the trauma bond where you get attached in a way that's very powerful and hard to pull away from, much like when i've had stitches where i wanted to pull away and yet have the care.

you're both complex and he was terrible to you, and sounds like rejecting now. perhaps the most important thing is to focus on what's true for you, what you have to offer, and honour that part of you, without feeling beholden to him to acknowledge it when it sounds like he's just in that space and maybe doesn't have the personal resources to do such a thing. what this does say is you're a loving person who deserves, and deserved, so much more than he ever offered, and that he took what wasn't his and behaved in ways that were so extreme that to expect you to not have extreme responses in return is pretty much not to be expected of you.

i don't know if this helps but what i do know is you're a lovely person and deserve so much more than the crap life has thrown at you. you matter Rachel, and you're not alone in this

Whether you are a Christian or non Christian, that is a real good way to deal with things. I am a christian and agree with wot has been said. actually i beleive it is christian thinking in a way.. i offer things up to god whether i have them sorted in my head or not, and then he is free to change my heart.

But anyway... i hope that you can one day feel closure, and let your father know how u feel. even if he shows no remorse, etc.. do it for your good... otherwise yuou will alway s be left feeling.

as someone said.. maybe a letter is a good thing, or a mediated session in a neutral place?

peace and love