I don't really know how to overcome this.
 

Hey guys.

A couple of weeks ago I finally plucked up the courage to go and see my doctor about feeling seriously low. This, I have been putting off for almost 7years. A long time. It turns out that yes, I do have depression and yes, I do have an anxiety disorder. He has put me on anti-depressants which still aren't showing an effect or making me feel any better even after about two weeks of taking them (he said it will take 7-10 days to take effect) They just make me feel drowsy and blargh. But anyway, that's not what I came here to chat about..

You see, I have always been a tidy freak. Always been organized and always liked everything tidy and spotlessly clean. I hate mess, and I hate things being dirty. Without it clean and tidy I can't think straight or anything. However, for the past week things have gone so so downhill that I don't have a clue what to do anymore.

For starters, my house is a complete tip. It seriously looks like a bombs hit it. There is mess EVERYWHERE. My kitchen is filthy, it really is disgusting.
I haven't had a proper meal in ages, I'm practically living off pot noodles and takeaways at the moment. I'm one to always have a balanced diet, always wanting healthy foods and 3 meals a day without fail.
I can't move my arse out to look for a job, even though I know I NEED one desperately.
I'm awake until the very early hours, because I just don't want to go to bed.
I can't wake up until before 1-2pm ish.. when I'd usually wake up at 9am without fail.
I don't want to leave my house, I feel safer just curling up here.
Life is good while I waste it away on my computer playing online games.

I am really beginning to hate myself more and more, and I really didn't think that was possible. I am constantly thinking about harming myself and getting suicidal thoughts quite a few times everyday.

I don't know what's happening but I just can't motivate myself to do ANYTHING.
I friggin hate it so much, it's just making me so much more stressed and depressed and horrible. It's nothing to do with laziness btw, I'm not a lazy person and tbh it feels a lot different to that. It's as if I'm actually strapped down unable to move..

What do I do, I'm really at breaking point, just want to cry and cry. :-(

hey,
I did write a in-depth reply but as usual my comp crashed and i lost it, to sum it up:-

you are not alone and I feel and my house is exactly the same, my family and co workers constantly tell me I'm lazy. I don't think there is anything you can do but to just do what you can and don't expect to much from yourself and try not to listen to other peoples opinions of what you should be doing as they most likely have never been in your position before and have know idea how hard it is to get up let alone do something once you are up

Take care

As for pills some may take longer to take effect with some people, also a GP will usually start you on a low dose then increase it gradually, but some drugs just don't work for some like they do others, so hang in there and speak to your doctor about it.

i know exactly how u feel i dont even know what day light looks like
its so hard to stay motivated i feel exactly like u do
and nobody seems to understand no matter what i say to them
i spend my whole time drinking lately cos i have no work
i dont know what to say to you i hope the drugs kick in cos it sucks otherwise
do you think the drugs are making you feel this way i wouldnt like that
u can let us know update us please
sometimes drugs can make u worse if they arent suitable
believe u me i know that for sure what are u taking
i hope they do work for you sometimes when ur depressed its hard to live
im not living at the moment im just a step from dying
sori thats too much but thats how i feel
im not much help at the moment
i hope you get a job jobs are hard to find
look im rambling but i hope the drugs work or u find more drugs that do work

sori for that self indulgent bol** i hope ur ok xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thank you.

I hate feeling this way, it sucks!!

I have an appointment on the 8th to see my dr again, to review and assess me to see how i'm coping on the meds, so if they still aren't doing anything then i'll mention it to him. i'm on citalopram. I had to take 1 a day for the first week and then increase it to 2 a day, but it's knocking me out!

Feel like I'm kind of failing somewhat.