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*Triggers all* In some serious need of support.
hi guys,
I haven't been on here for a while. But so much has happened in the last few days that I really need to vent. Okay, so on wednesday I quit my job for MH issues. I realised that I am not well enough to work, it took me 3 months to figure it out. I want to start college instead, so wednesday night when I told my Mum, she got very very angry at me. Shouted at me that I was a waste of space and that she was fed up of me, and that I could do a favour by not being here and that she was going to throw me out. So back to my old ways, I found myself taking a large OD on some subscribed drugs that the doctor gave me, not anti depressants, I felt guilty, rang Nhs direct. Mum refused to take me to hospital, and I didn't want her to know, but the NHS Direct people told me, she had to know, otherwise they would ring up and tell her, so I gave the phone to her at about 11 o clock at night. I got an ambulance in the middle of the fucking night, went to A & E yadda yadda yadda, found out OD was harmless. Spoke to a doctor calmly explained situation, and I didn't even have a blood test, so all was well medically,apparently. He had to ring my Mum to try and get her to come and pick me up. She refused, she said she wanted me to be put in a hospital or taken into some sort of care, because she was so fed up of me. Mum eventually came, started arguing with the doctor, Doctor: "It's no wonder she is like the way she is" "Your a bad mother" "It's not my job to speak to you" "You were abusive to me on the phone and hung up on me twice" "Hannah, can you please take your Mother home please." Mum: "Would you listen to me?, Your not listening to me" "She's your patient and I can't deal with here anymore" "she calls me a fucking whore at home" So I just sat there crying my eyes out, feeling like a complete mistake,cause I couldn't believe what was happening. I know what I say is sometimes wrong, but I'm angry at my Mum for not being there for me. The problem is, that my Mother will not support me for MH Stuff anymore. :crying: :crying: I rang my therapist the next day in work, (was my last day yesterday) and told her what has happened. She had a cancellation for Monday, so she has given me the appointment time for Monday instead of the Friday, which was really nice and supportive of her. So guess what is now happening. On Monday, social services and my therapist and me have an appointment, I don't know what the hell is going to happen. I might be put into care, I might get a SW I don't know. But I'm confused, worried and scared. So over the last couple of days, BN has taken over me, and I haven't been able to stop binging and purging just so I don't try and commit suicide again, cause I feel as if there is no other way to cope. what will social services do with me? It would just make more sense if my Mum actually supported me, like taking me to sessions, rather than me finding my own way, or coming to family therapy, or listening to me, when I tell her blantantly that I need her. My therapist and me worked out a safety plan to make sure I don't try to kill myself again by Monday, which is helpful, but what does that mean. that I'm not safe?! I'm Very confused. Okay regardless of all, I was just getting by, still struggling a hell of a lot but I was managing, earlier she was telling me how much progress I have made, and she tells me how good I am at seeking out support, but right now I feel as if I have no other way of filling in the stress than with food. I have been binging and purging constantly since Wednesday, I feel really horrible, and pretty hopeless. My dad is angry at me cause I quit my job, but ever since I started at I have been regressing in my recovery for BN & Depression, I need to put my health first. Monday is going to be a whirlwind, I am also joining a self help group: :thumbup: for EDs and will be starting that on Monday. I'm so stressed right now, I have no idea how to cope with life any more. I have binged twice today and have cut. And haven't probably eaten enough between binges, which makes binges worse, but I didn't purge the binge tonight, and feel as if I have gained 50 hundred lbs. :crying: Does anyone have any sort of idea what is most likely to happen with social services? and how can I get over this relapse, or make small steps, so by Monday at least I'll have some sort of positive news for my therapist? Everyone wants me to be bloody perfect, with a good job, and everything else, and it's as if my parents think I can magic BN away. It is not fucking helping. :pinch: |
Hun,
I'm sorry things are difficult right now. Hmm, I know it's hard when everyone wants you to be 'perfect'. But remember, no one is perfect. It's good you're getting professional help and support from your therapist and such. *HUGS* Plus you're joining a self-help group which is really good and brave of you to do, so good luck with that! :) As with social services I think they would just ask you some questions and decide what will/might help, but I'm not 100% sure. Like you said, you need to take small steps. Maybe start off by not B+P as much as you are... try and cut down, if possible? And for when you feel the urge to harm yourself maybe you could find distractions that help you calm down or make you feel better? Sorry, I didn't have better advice. Take care. xo. |
no no no, Katie that is great advice, It's just nice knowing your there for me, *hugs back*, I know it's really good, I'm glad I have the support I do have, but if I have this amazing support then why aren't I getting better. Oh okay, see I didn't realise what it's going to be like, I know that my family therapist has referred my therapist as a social work therapist before, which I have only recently just found out. So I don't know, I'll try to cut down on Binging but to do that I am going to have to increase my intake most likely, which right now feels really scary, but once I get over the scary part I can usually maintain it for a day or two. thanks Katie,I really need that push right now.
xxx |
*huggles*
the most important thing is that you stay safe and can concentrate on getting better. Social services tend to try and keep you with your family - phraps help your parents help you? But you will be asked what you want too. Do whats best for you. Hun it takes a long time to recover and things happen so slowly that you often dont notice what progress youve made. You do have good support hun just stick with it and keep fighting. *huggles* xxxxxxxx |
Thank you honey, okay I've just had a really bad argument with my Dad, I didn't mean to but I kind of forgot to eat dinner tonight, and the last thing I ate I binged. I want to binge again. I've already done it twice today, and I need to remember why. He basically told me that all I think about is myself and ask them for support, which is somewhat true cause I need him. But he isn't there and it feels so isolated and alone. Binging fills that void, I really want to binge again. If I do it again, then I know for a fact I will purge, because I didn't purge before. How do I make it through without binging?
It's so much easier when I binge. x |
Aww hun i have just red your thread and things must be very hard for you at the moment. (caring hugs) i know you want to B but why dont you try distractions and just trying to keep your mind of it or going for a walk,please try and still safe and i know its hard but try distractions.
You ever want to talk PM me hun. |
Hi Hannah my lovely,
Sorry to hear how tough things are for you at the moment. I could really relate to a lot of what you wrote and I hope I can offer you some insight in to what may happen with social services, or at least what happened for me. Of course every case is indiviual to the person but here are my thoughts anyway. It does sound as if some action needs to be taking place to help the whole of your family. It's not there to blame you or your parents but it's clear something is amiss and I'm glad somebody has picked up on this. I can remember a few things you've said and I just hope you'll get some more support now. It's likely when you meet with the social services and Judy on Monday that there will be a few questions and so forth to assess the situation. I'm guessing they'll also speak to your Mum and see what her feelings are. If they think your family are putting you in danger, then they will most likely ask that you be taken in to foster care. If your Mum feels it's better for you to be in foster care, and the social services can't persuade her otherwise, then once again I guess you'll be taken in to foster care. I was in foster care myself for many years between the ages of 11-16 and honestly Hannah, if you do go to foster care you will be looked after. It's nothing like the horror stories you hear. Please PM/text/e-mail me if you have any questions and you think I can help. In regards to keeping safe, utilize the plan Judy and you arranged. I would say that if she made a plan for you then it does mean she was worried for your safety. Are you finding the plan useful? Something I used to do was count down the hours, because then you feel you're getting there quicker than saying "I have 2 whole days left" because with the hour thing, of course the number is going down every hour. Not sure I'm making sense here! If you need me Han, I'm here for you. I want you to be safe, well and happy. You are going through a tough time at the moment and I hear that BN is taking over you but it won't always be that way. You have come so far and I do believe you can get there once all the tension of your family situation is resolved. Anyone would struggle in your situation so please don't beat yourself up. Lotti x |
PS, About the binging. I don't know what you find helpful but try distractions, get out of the house, exercise but not obsessively, clean, contribute to something (not sure what you can do). Use all the resources you've used in the past to get you through now. Plus, have faith! You can get through this Hannah, you absolutely can. x
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Oh Hannah im so sorry youve gone through all this recently and that your having such a hard time.
It all sounds very difficult. But please just remember whatever happens Monday and however things are now you have come a very long way. You really have and a journey to full recovery is not a straightforward one but you will get there! You have made so much progress since we first had contact on here. Really you have. Dont forget that. im sorry - i would say perhaps try and focus on anything other than food related stuff for a bit to try and get your mind completely off the subject to help with the thoughts of binging/purging etc but i know thats probably easier said than done! As im not someone with an ED im not quite sure what else to suggest but im sure others might have ideas how to help and i really hope you dont end up purging. im sorry about the argument with your Dad tonight, that must make things seem so much worse right now but i hope that something positive comes out of Monday for you. You will be in my thoughts. Sorry that i havent been of more use here! |
Thank you Lottie, you are real star, do you know that?
:smile: I did Binge and purge this morning, weakly. And I haven't eaten enough for lunch today, but hopefully once I see Judy tomorrow she can convince me to get back on track. I don't want to put into care! I don't need to be, my parents are fine to me, okay, so my dad used to be a complete and utter prick of utter emotions, and did kind of abuse me... But he doesn't do it any more, I think Judy is more concerned that I am not safe with myself after all the sessions with her, she told my Mum it would only take like 8-12, and I've had about 15 sessions now of CBT. I knew it wouldn't take 8, that would be a miracle. I mean it has been almost a year since the summer, and people on RYL who may remember what happened then with me... I have made tons of progress. I am much more confident, I actually want to recover now, but it's not damn easy. The plan was basically to keep myself busy so I don't OD again, I don't even know why she said that, when I wasn't even thinking about trying again, but I guess she was right in the fact that I have been having impulses to do it. Thursday- was meant to go to choir, instead Binged in town. Friday- Meant to go straight to the pub for a quiz that youth club are running, binged then went to quiz. Saturday- Meant to go to the cinema, My friend cancelled on me, binged. Sunday- Meant to go to Church, woke up late didn't go and binged again. okay well in that case, if I am going to start counting hours, I have 26 hours until I see her. My dad said that if I agree with the doctor than he's going to disown me. Fucking hell, why does life have to be such a bloody drama. They can't put me into care. I feel like a little child. I will refuse. I am fine. Okay. Maybe I am not so fine. But no. Why can't I just stay bloody here. I won't be able to binge. I won't be able to cut if I'm in care. Wait. That's not completely true. I know I won't to stop those things, but I don't understand. This is what Judy said to me (therapist) on the phone in work: "I heard about social services getting involved." Me:"Yes." "Do you feel as if it would help if they did?" "um. I don't really know, whatever you think really, cause I'm pretty lost right now." "Okay, well I'll get it sorted for Monday". It was decided so quickly! I'm afraid they are going to take me away. My Dad was fostered cared at my age, and my grandparents were his foster parents, and they were angry at my dad for finding his real dad. He got taken away by social services so did his brother, my uncle who committed suicide 6 years ago. What if social services can't convince my Mum otherwise I have to go into care. Bloody hell, I want to end it now then. I have no hope in hell with my Mum. She's not horrible, she is just confused and doesn't know how to deal with me, rather understandably. She is not a bad Mum, I know that, she's just a confused one. No I don't want foster parents. They can't disown me. they bloody can't. I'll be off that bridge in the next hour to count if they do. They can't do this to me. They are not putting me in hospital. I just want to stay at home, and get better. WHY ARE SOCIAL SERVICES GETTING INVOLVED. WHY DID I SAY YES. I trust Judy with all my life and heart but, Oh jesus, this can't be happening. I'm 16 for Christ sake. Wouldn't it make much more sense if I simply just moved to America with John. yes a little drastic. But I'd rather be there, then be put with people who I would have to call Mum & Dad. NOOOOOOOOOOO NO F**ing doctor. F**Me. Why did I do it. I never have the guts to do it. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHH. I hate this. I hate this bloody all. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Thanks for the support everyone. Sorry for the rant, I can't find my diary. Hannah |
Sorry sweet, I didn't mean to scare you about foster care. If you put your feelings across about not wanting to go in to foster care, at 16, you will probably have some choice. I was wondering if an option for you would be to ask the social services if they can look in to some supported accomodation for you if you feel like you would like to move out. I'm with supported accomodation and it is quite useful because you live alone but with the support of staff, so you have oppurtunity to recover but don't have to be in a foster family.
I hear though that you really would like to stay at home and hopefully that's what will happen for you. I will be thinking of you and hoping the right decision is made. I think Judy will help you as well to get things right. I think I misunderstood about why social services were getting involved, sorry lovely. I am so proud of you for the commitment and dedication you are giving to recovery. You can and will get there. This is a set back but doesn't mean you are back at the beginning. You have come so, so far. Go you! xx |
Don't worry about it Lottie, you were thinking about all the options, supported accommodation? So there's like staff there to help out and stuff, hm that sounds like an option, I think I'm going to have to stop thinking about it, I have 22 hours left. If anything, I would have thought they would get me a SW cause that makes more sense. But I don't know, I'll have to see what happens, I'm going to this young worship thing tonight with my friend Aimee that should keep me busy. thanks everyone, love you lots and lots
Hannah xxx |
im sorry your having such a hard time and especially sorry that i cant be there with you. if i were with you maybe then i would not be a shit boyfriend, although i know you would argue otherwise(thank you for that btw)
let me know how monday goes please, I'd like to know what is happening to my girlfriend whom i love more than anything something to consider my love: now that you dont have work you are able to come over sooner right? a 2 week break from your family might help |
I hope you had a good night out with your friend and it offered you a break from this whole situation :)
If you need any information on supported accomodation do get in touch. Where I am, at first you live in a house where the staff are there 24/7 and as you progress, and they feel you are ready to leave, you (or I) get a flat which is still within the project but you get a bit more independence. xxx |
John, you are not a shit boyfriend. And I don't think that's a good idea, I'm sorry honey but I need to have treatment first.
I see Judy today, I have 6 hours left, until I should be in the waiting room in the CAMHS clinic to see her. I'm crapping myself. g2g wish me luck I had a great time last night, I might get a placement in Mercy ministries. xxxx |
arggggggggggh. I can't binge this morning, I can't do it NOt again.
I binged again yesterday. And I haven't had anything but fruit since then, so right now I want to binge again. IT just doesn't seem to end. x |
good luck my love
p.s. check your email, there is some good news waiting for you |
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