Im so tired...
 

I have reached my breaking point, and im not sure what to do anymore. I have battled deep depression and bipolar disorder for over 10 years now, i would avidly SI for years [i stopped a few years back, but i have slipped a few times since]. I took over 5 different medications but they made me feel like a robot; emotionless; just like an empty shell. So i stopped. And things were generally fine. For the past few years my depression has hid itself in the back of my mind. But for the past few months its gotten really bad, and i mean bad. Going back on meds isnt an option, i'd rather feel something than nothing.
Suicide is creeping at my door and i dont know how to continue to keep it at bay. Therapy never helped, i have such an issue talking about my feelings and my thoughts. I have tried so hard to tell the ones close to me how i feel but it seems they have nothing to say in return other than a "im sorry" or an "i dont know what you want me to say" or "things will be okay". This is my scream that im hoping someone will hear.
The depression, i can handle that. But i am so mentally and physically exausted. I am so beyond stressed out that i cant even begin to sense it. I am thousands of dollars in debt, and my bank account is empty. I work 50 hours a week just to have it all gone the day i get paid. I despise waking up every day to go to work, and i know i would truly feel much better not working at all, but only if i had the financial stability to, which will never happen. I cannot follow my dreams due to the fact that i dont have the money to, and my dreams are all i have. I am so immensly tired. All i want is rest, honestly and truly. My will to live is fading at an incredible rate, all due to the fact that i want to REST. Im not even twenty yet, and this is what the rest of my life is going to be? Living from paycheck to paycheck, so excrutiatingly drained that i can barely function? The depression used to be what got to me. Now it seems so trivial compared to this. Mentally, emotionally, physically...im so tired. I feel so damn overwhelmed that i want to cry, i really do, but there is this mental block there. I cry once a year, if that...and im sure thats not healthy.
Every single day suicide looms closer in my head, the desire to rest is so strong. The idea that i wont have to work anymore...that ill just be able to rest my weary body and mind is so compelling.
The answer of "take a vacation" or something simple like that isnt helpful.
Please someone...please....im so desperate.
Please someone offer me something to ease this.
Please....

sweetheart, i am so so sorry your feeling this desperate and alone right now. I wont say I know how you feel, but i can relate to some of it. I too have been on numerous medications and been through course after course of therapy only to find myself very much in the same situation time and time again. Yes it is emotionally draining with just that alone, but with everything else you struggle with i'm not surprised you feel this way.
How about trying to tackle one thing at a time, for instance is there a helpline you can call to talk with someone over the debt side of things? I think if u manage to make that part more manageable, i imagine that things in general will lessen in intensity - im not saying it'll all just magically disappear and that you'll feel great again, but it could help. Where are your family in all of this? Do you have anyone that you can call upon for some support? I think as well, you need to take some time out for you, im not talking hours and hours (tho tht would be great), even just 10mins out of a day where you spend it doing something nice for you because you want to. Whether it be listening to your favourite music, taking a hot bath, doing your nails, having a piece of your favourite cake - whatever, just something that you can do to look after you. You do not deserve to feel this low and desperate, you deserve so much more and I know everyone on here will offer as much support as you need to help you get through this. Just keep fighting onwards.
Much love and hugs
Dani
xx

Hiyah,
I'm really sorry you're feeling like this. *HUGS* I honestly don't know what to suggest. Thinking of you. xo.

Thanks for at least listening to me, no one else has...it does mean a lot just to know someone is hearing me, even if they have no advice. As for the suggestion of taking at least a few minutes out a day for myself, that has been my solution and that has failed. Its such a deep down exhaustion that i cant seem to reach it...anything i try to do doesnt seem to work...im so lost. Thank you for being here for me though, i really do appreciate it so much

Oh, thats terrible. I wish I could say something to help.*hugs* Do you have any family you can lean on? Sorry about your situation.

My family will not help me financially, and as a shoulder to lean on? Lets just say i dont have a family. I have people i can count on and talk to, but as ive said, every single one of them says the same things. "It will get better" "Im sorry" Etc. They hear me but they dont listen. My mind, body, and soul is just so tired...im honestly immensely desperate. I just dont see any other way to ease this all...i really and truly dont.

Think of all those people you can count on and talk to would feel if you killed yourself. You're important, don't give up. If it helps, think if I could just make it through another week, another day.

The only reason i havent done it is because of all those people. I couldnt devastate them like that. But still, this is so immensely overwhelming, the exhaustion. Im at the "one more week/day/hour" part. Its getting so much harder....

Well, I'm sorry. When I feel depressed/sucidal I just try to go to my happy place. I know it sounds stupid, but it helps me if i only think about my kitten purring in my lap. Sorry if I'm no help.

No, you are helpful. The only time i truly smile in i dont even know how long is when my kitty cuddles with me. So i do know what you mean. Its moments like that that are keeping me alive right now, even though they get farther and farther apart.

That's good those moments help you. If you ever need support or whatever pm me.

Thank you so much for trying to help, it really means a hell of a lot to me.
And considering the fact that my boyfriend just broke up with me, i needed this.