Can somebody tell me what this is?
 

I'm feeling a bit confused right now and I just wanted to clear some stuff up.. I thought this would be the best place to post because if anyone can relate to anything I'm saying or knows enough about eating disorders they may be able to tell me what is happening to me?

I have a personality disorder and I have had issues with self-harm (cutting) and suicide attempts for quite a few years now. Recently, however, something different has been happening. I stopped cutting for quite a few months (I'd say nearly 6 months now) except for the odd occasion (whereas before I was cutting daily nearly). But over the last 3 months or so I've been making myself sick (almost as a replacement - I get the same release when I'm sick as I do when I cut). I can't stand my boyfriend touching me, I can feel fat all over my body. In theory I know I can't be huge, I'm a size x, my BMI is x (I have to have regular weight checks because my therapist is worried about me).. but I can see the fat - I know it's there. My boyfriend tells me I'm skinny, but then I think he says that because he's scared to be honest. I really don't know what to think, I just wish I knew the truth.

I can't be completely honest with my therapist or my psych because I'm scared I wont get CBT (which I'm on a waiting list for). She has said that if I continue to lose weight and have eating problems they will have to refer me to an eating disorder unit first before I can have CBT, which I don't want to happen at all. So I've had to pretend that everything is okay, and try and eat as much as I can leading up to my weigh-ins to try and maintain or increase my weight.

But things are getting worse. I go through periods of not eating ANYTHING (for several days at a time). Then suddenly I'll just eat loads. That is when I'll be sick. Then it stops.. for a while I'll be okay, I'll eat small meals a day (healthy food), and it'll seem as though it's getting better. But then I kinda 'freak out' and get obsessive about my diet. I constantly compare myself to other girls, every single day. In lectures, on the tube, on the street - it's driving me insane. I know what I want to look like, but it's hard to know if what I am doing is dangerous or if I'm right in thinking that I need to lose weight. Also, around periods of stress (I have exams coming up) I seem to become more obsessed with it. So instead of doing work I'll look up diets and other weight loss methods but at the same time I feel the urge to eat more and be sick (for the release I think..)

Whenever I tell my boyfriend how I feel about myself (ie I feel fat, ugly and disgusting) he tells me that I can't see how beautiful I am because I have an illness - he's convinced I have an eating disorder. I just want to know either way what's going on. I feel so lost and confused, and it's really getting me down.

Does it sound like I have an eating disorder? I mean obviously I know I should to talk to my psych about this properly, but like I said it's impossible for me to do that at the moment because I might end up at an eating disorder unit (which wouldn't be beneficial for me). So I'm turning to you guys for help :)

Any advice is most welcome.

to be honest it sounds to me like you might have one... but people here cannot diagnose you... I'm sure that many can relate though, so will be able to support you through this

Yeah I'm definitely not looking for a diagnosis. I think deep down I know something isn't right, but it's difficult not having anyone who understands it. My boyfriend is amazing but he's too worried and involved to be of any help. And I'm too scared to talk to anyone else. I feel the need to tell my psych but I don't want to have to wait longer for CBT, plus I think I'm scared to get official confirmation of anything. I guess some support is what I'm looking for, as well as some clarification so I can organise my feelings. I dunno..

Thanks for your reply :)

Posting here is a good start hun, it's coming to realise that something's wrong. Needless to say what you're doing is not normal behaviour, and it sounds like you have some issues with body image, so the psyche/doctors is the best way to go with this. When food/eating/weight is linked to emotion there are things you can do to change and get well. Anything you need, just ask. And, dumb flag scum!
xxxxxx