dont want to post, dont wanna talk about it, but dont know what to do *poss trig* *adult maybe*
 

i'm posting this cause i feel bad asking for support from everyone again. and i feel disloyal posting details about stuff like this where anyone can see it. so if you wanna pm me cause you're bored or think you might be able to help, i'd like to talk to someone. but i don't want to ask for help unless someone is wanting to give it. hope this isn't against the rules or anything. cause i'm locking the thread once i post so this can't become a public thing about my relationship.

i just dont know what to do about the situation with my bf... i mean he's got issues i know but it's getting so insane. one thing is it's hard to deal with. and i go back and forth feeling angry and feeling guilty. and for some reason when he certian things it brings feelings of being abused, though i know of no instance where i have been abused. maybe the memories/feelings are made up cause i have no conscious memory and there really was no opportunity for something like that to happen. he's not forcing me at all, but i feel pressured cause when he gets angry & semi-psychotic i feel bad. but if he thinks i don't want to do it, he doesn't do anything. but i can tell he's getting really angry. not that i don't want to be with him, but i feel it's bad under the circumstances. it's not even just sex. i feel controlled, but i know he's not actually controlling me. i let him control my actions so he doesn't get upset. but it's not him threatening, it's just i know it will set off an episode if i do or don't do certain things... see my confusion? when i tried to "talk" to him about it, he freaked and didn't get it. just felt i was attacking him. so forget that answer. problem is, it's such a weird weird situation. so i really don't know the answer. and i have no friends anymore. i found "real life" friends aren't good for me... too close.

but please, don't pm me unless you actually want to. i won't be offended if no one wants to talk. i'd feel worse if i figured out someone was just pming me cause they felt bad. and it might be a little long explanation, so really don't do it unless you really just want to talk to someone.

i know i could go on chat, but i'd have to bring it up, which i feel bad doing with people i don't know, but there's no way i'm risking starting drama with people i do know. cause if he found out i said something to someone we both knew (which is most of our friends) he might be really mad. it'd make things worse.