why?
 

why the hell am i thinking about him
i shouldnt be
i mean for gods sake he tried to kill himself in front of me
hes mentally scarred me
and yet i need to know if hes ok
i send him an email
probably wont hear back
i was 15 why did he have to do that
i mean he sat there on webcam saying sorry because he was taking tablets
i said i wanted to see him one last time because i truely thought he would die
and he couldnt even stop taking them for me
i cried for hours no days about it
i had school the next day and everyone was joking saying who died because i looked so down
i didnt even know if he was dead
he didnt even bother to text me to tell me he had been dragged to hospital
i shouldnt still be hung up on this
but i am
i still see him taking tablets, crying and hear him saying sorry and that the worst part of it was hearing me cry on the phone.
why didnt he just fucking stop then
if it was so hard to hear why didnt he stop
am i really that worthless that he couldnt have stopped for me
15 fucking years old and i had to see him try to kill himself and cut into his veins
15 for fucks sake 15!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
thats all
no one should ever see that
i was still a kid and i had to watch because i just needed to see him
15 fucking years old 15
how could he do that to me
im nowlistening to the song that was playing when he was trying "angels of the silences" by the counting crows its weird fits perfectly to what he did
i wish i knew if he was ok
every day i wonder if hes ok
he couldnt even send an email to say yeh im still alive
how hard is it to do that
i mean hes 23 for fucks sake honestly how hard is it just to send a fucking email
i wish i could get the image of him out of my head
the only thing i feel for him now is hate
i did love him i really did
and i feel guilty for not liking him
but
i think i have the right to hate him for what he done
why did he have to do it in front of me
why did he have to say he loved me and then change his mind
huh?
tell me
FUCKING TELL ME
i thought i was fucking pregnant with his kid and all he could say was sorry i dont love you
sorry
fucking sorry
i spent every day waiting for him to tell me he did feel it too
hell i even prayed to the god that ive got a huge problem with to make him love me
i would have done anything to make him love me ANYTHING
every day he would tell me of new plans to kill himself
thats not what you tell a 15 year old/ 16 year old
you just dont fucking do it
he even made me hate some of my friend because he thought they were bad for me
he had the nerve to tell me what was bad for me
HOW DARE HE
i cried every night because i knew he'd be sat in his room cutting because i wasnt enough
he even cut when he came to stay with me
thinking i was alseep and couldnt see him sat there in my room cutting
he thought that it wouldnt hurt me
how dare he
that was my room
only im allowed to cut in there
15 thats all
he told me after i slept with mitch (the guy who abused me) that i was still his sweety and then i find out that he was desgusted and hated me for it
he said he loved me that day
the day i betrayed him he told me for the first time that he loved me
i believed him i believed he loved me
how stupid was i

Hun,
I'm sorry you had to go through all that. *HUGS*
Does anyone know what happened, are you getting any professional help? xo.

You are not stupid rach and you shouldn't have had to go through that but trying to contact him isn't going to help you.
You don't need him in your life.
Does you mum know about this as well as mitch?
You don't have to cope with this on your own, try not listen to that song it's only going to upset you.
I really think you need to talk to someone about this because its obviously hurting you a lot.
Take care of yourself love
x

yeh my mum does know about it so does my psych but she just over looks it because of mitch. everyone ive ever told has overlooked it and just ignored it because "hes an idiot" so they say.
i know contacting him wont really help but i just need to know if hes alive i dont want to like be mates with him again i just need to know if hes alive.