RYL Forums - Stressed

I feel sort of bad posting a huge topic about myself when I've only been around for a few days, but I really need to talk about all this. I apologise in advance for the length, and congratulate you if you manage to get through it all!

Basically, last September I was sectioned and given a court-ordered blood transfusion, because I'd attempted suicide and was also severely anaemic, to the point where I could barely walk a few steps without almost passing out and gasping for breath, was told that I could literally die at any moment, but was refusing treatment.

I spent about 3 months in a high dependency psychiatric unit, which felt like prison, to be honest. During that time I also found out that child protection services were concerned about the emotional effect of my self-harming on my younger sister, and I therefore couldn't live with my family anymore. So essentially I was homeless. I went through my options with my social worker. Psychiatric hostels said I was too high-risk for them to take me. Homeless hostels said they wouldn't take me while actively self-harming. I couldn't afford to rent somewhere by myself, which left only the option of applying for rent allowance and seeing if I could find a place to accept it. The problem was that it was a long process to apply, and I couldn't actually do it from hospital.

So, I was desperate to get out of hospital, and had another appeal coming up, but had nowhere to go if I got out. Enter my best friend, who I'd known for about 2 years (I met her in hospital), who was renting a 3 bedroom house by herself about 3 or 4 hours train journey from where I was living. She offered to let me stay if I got out of hospital, until I sorted out rent allowance and found somewhere to live.

Long story short, I got out, and went to stay with my friend around the beginning of December. Things were going reasonably well, apart from a few small differences of opinion that we sorted out. Rent allowance still hadn't been approved, and I was "unofficially" staying with ym mother when I had psych appointments, therapy appointments etc.
My self-harm started escalating again though. Mostly because that's just what tends to happen with me, but partly because of the emotional stress of living with my friend (she has severe anorexia, and self-injures). Anyway, after a major incident of self-harm just over a month ago, after which I could barely make it downstairs, never mind to a hospital, my friend had to call an ambulance. They gave me oxygen, stapled me up at the hospital, and gave me another blood transfusion. Turns out I was severely anaemic and at risk of dying again. One of the doctors pulled my friend aside and told her if she'd even waited a few hours before calling an ambulance, I'd most likely be dead.

I was admitted to a medical ward. Since it wasn't the hospital in which I see my psychiatrist, I had no contact with her while I was there, but she was fully informed, and I spoke to psychiatrists at the hospital I was in. My psychiatrist wanted me admitted psychiatrically and transferred to her hospital. I refused, because there was no way I was going back to what had felt like prison (I've been in psych wards several times, but that last time was the worst). I managed to talk my way out of being sectioned, but my friend was refusing to let me stay with her anymore. So I called my mother, who had been told everything by then, cried down the phone to her, told a few little white lies (like, I didn't realise the anaemia was so bad before I cut that time, I got a fright and wouldn't consider letting things get nearly that bad ever again etc.), and she said I could stay with her (even though I'm not supposed to). I spoke to my friend again, who said she was going to do everything in her power to get me sectioned if I walked out of that hospital, and refused to even let me go back to her house to get my stuff.

So I called my mother again, saying that my friend wouldn't let me collect my stuff, and crying about how difficult it was living with my friend, how stressful I was finding it. So my mother called my friend, who then called me. My friend was pretty annoyed with me, said I was manipulating my mother and everyone else around me to get what I wanted. We talked for a while though, and I cried to my friend about how much I really didn't want to go back to the psych ward, and how I really wouldn't want to live with my mother again if I had any other choice. Eventually, my friend said she'd let me come back and stay with her, so long as I agreed to certain conditions, such as keeping all my psych and therapy appointments, taking my meds regularly, reducing the cutting, not purposely losing more blood to make the anaemia worse, no cutting at my mother's house when I stayed for appointments, going to A&E when needed instead of taking care of wounds myself. I agreed, and got a taxi from the hospital to her house.

I saw my psychiatrist a few days later, and brought my friend with me. My psychiatrist was ready to section me, until we explained the conditions I'd agreed to. So she agreed that if I kept to the conditions, hospital wouldn't be necessary.
Also, a few days after that, rent allowance was finally approved.

So, after all that, it seemed like things were finally working out. I was wrong. I was cutting less, but feeling way more stressed. Also, my friend had been pretty scared over everything that happened to me, so she was pretty stressed too. 2 stressed people living in the same house is not a good idea.

I was getting irritated with her because she was sometimes physically preventing me from cutting when I needed it, and because she was saying that if my attitude didn't change (whatever about the behaviours) she'd try to get me sectioned, that if I didn't eat better she'd try to get me sectioned (I'm a fussy eater, plus I'm on a diet right now, but she decided I had an eating disorder and if I didn;t start eating more and changing my attitude, she'd go to my psychiatrist about it). It honestly started feeling like she was a member of my care team rather than my best friend, and I hated it. So, knowing that people "listen" to her because she knows me so well, I set out to discredit everything she was saying, telling my psychiatrist that she was threatening to get me sectioned for no reason, talking about how stressful it was dealing with her problems as well as mine, claiming she was projecting her own issues on to me.

Since I suck at keeping secrets, and despite the fact that my actions often suggest the contrary, she is my best friend, so I told her what I'd done. She was understandably very annoyed with me, but at the same time it seemed like she couldn't understand why I did it, and how I was feeling. There was a meeting coming up between my care team, my family, and my friend. She wanted me to make a public apology to her at the meeting for everything I'd said. I, of course, chickened out, but knowing she'd be mad at me, sent a note to my psychiatrist to read out at the meeting, where I apologised to my friend.

That meeting was about 2 weeks ago. Since then things have been pretty stressful still. I feel guilty, because I've been cutting, at my mother's house, deep enough for stitches, and not getting it treated, which breaks several conditions of the agreement I made. I can't tell my friend though, because she'll tell my mother who won't let me stay for appointments any more. My psychiatrist knows I've been cutting, but since I'm letting her keep an eye on my blood levels to make sure they don't go too low, she's not too concerned.

My friend and I had a talk the other night, where she ended up in tears, saying she feels like the only reason I'm her friend is because I wanted to get out of hospital, and how she only does things to help me but I throw them back in her face, and I ended up in tears talking about how scared I am that I'll lose her, and that I push her away only because it terrifies me how much I care and depend on her. She's away for the next week or so, and I'll be visiting family in Wales for a week or so on Wednesday, so I suppose we're having a "break" from each other right now. I don't know if things will be better or worse when we both get back.

I'm just really stressed for so many reasons:

1. The situation with my friend

2. The guilt over having to hide my cutting again (it's been years since I had to keep it a secret)

3. The rent allowance situation. It seems impossible to find anywhere of my own that accepts rent allowance and is within my price range. I don't really want to share wth people, not only because of the cutting, but because sometimes I just don't get on with people. Also, there's the matter of having to make phone calls to strangers, which I hate doing. My mother and friend said they'd help, but there's still stuff I need to do myself

4. I'm actually scared of living on my own. I'm afraid the self-harm will escalate quickly again, but be more hidden, which isn't a good combination. Also, despite the arguments with my friend, she is a great support at times, and I've gotten used to having her around

5. Once I find somewhere to live, I have to start focusing on other things, like what I want to do as regards study/work. Up until now, I've disracted everyone from the subject by saying I need to find somewhere to live first. It'll be stressful enough as it is without having to think about the future (something I don't deal with very well)

6. While I'm not actively suicidal right now, I still have thoughts, and I'm afraid they'll get more intense if I'm living alone. Plus I tend to do random stupid things sometimes like overdosing on my meds in the middle of the night just to see what happens, or cutting just to see how deep I can get before the pain stops me

So yeah, I just feel stressed, confused, and pretty lost right now.