I cant do this anymore *ED, SI, Suicide*UPDATED bottom pg2
 

(cant bring myself to post on v2)

I cant do this anymore
i want to die
i have 18thousand words to write for uni and i cant consontrate

i have to do this ****ing stupid food diarys for the ED clinic and they make me worse

no supports in place, waiting list after waiting list
everytime i get someone that understand they decide i'm to sevear andpass me on to another service
another waiting list
so now i'm waiting to see the top psycholgoist
am i really that ****ed up?

but i'm not going to be alive by the time of that appointment if something doesnt change
I'm running out of skin to SH on
i want to SH on my face...WTF is that about?

the thought of the next meal
i cant do it

I ring and harras them ask for more support...but noone wants to help...coz i'm on waiting lists

i cant wait or i'm going to be dead....but noones listening

help me :crying:

I'm listening. I'm off out in a little while, but will be back later.

It sounds like you're pretty stressed and feeling overwhelmed right now. Take some slow, deep breaths, and then start looking at one step at a time.
Seeing the top psychologist... isn't necessarily about f'ud up ness or such. Its probably because they care about you and want you to get the help that you really need.

I can't do anything about waiting lists, unfortunately. Is there any chance of seeing anyone privately, or getting some crisis support in the meantime? How do you get on with your GP?

Kel love, try to calm down.
Take deep breathes.
We are all here, we are listening,
you cant give up while there are still people listening, trying to help.
I know your work is important to you, but your health is more important. Degrees can be re-done worst comes to worst im not saying you should pull out, im just saying, that is fixable. Your health is something that needs to be concentrated on, you need to take time for yourself.

I know how hard ED diarys are, I know, but they can help, and if its causing you too much grief then tell them. As long as they know you are putting in effort and are trying then they dont mind if theres something thats not working.

I find it so strange that you get put on waiting lists, im in the south of the country and i've had amazing care. I dont think its right that you're not seeing anyone, I think you should go to your GP and kick up a fuss. Tell them how desperate things are getting. You deserve proper help.

Thoughts of SH your face are not as uncommon as you'd think, I suffer from that to, the thing is resisting them. You have to make sure you dont give into them though, you have to. I know how hard it is, but believe me, things get a hell of a lot worse if you give in.

Talking to the top psychologist doesnt mean that sweet, it might be that they are thinking of a therapy that would suit you that they are not trained in. That happens quite a lot, different psychologists use different methods, they dont all use the same techniques and quite often only the top psychologists use the more unusual or less common techniques, so please dont worry about it.

Getting over an ED is hard Kel, no one ever said it wasnt, its even harder when mixed with other mental health problems like depression and ptsd. You have to hold onto things. Hold onto the thought of being with Ian, someone who loves, cares and supports you, hold onto the fact you are going to come out the end a stronger person, hold onto the fact that you are not going to let the bastard who hurt you win.

I know you can do it Kel, you have so much love and support here, even if the NHS are proving annoying.

Im always around if you want to talk 'kay?
Love love
xxxxx

Thanks Katie - I'v got an appointment next thursday with my shrink. I'v been back to the ED clinic last week and they decided they'd put in a ED support worker... basicaly she makes me do these food diarys which actualy make me restrict more.... you know 'coz its written down on paper i cant just forget about what i'v had so it means i'm less likely to be able to give in to hunger later in the day if i'v had XYZ.

Aimee *cuddles* your so lovely. thanks so much. You know what i'v had no more than a few words off anyone for weeks about what i'm trying to cope with and before i even read your reply i saw how much you'd wrtten and cryed...:)

Your right, your so right i cant let him win... i just want a 'normal' life back....well as normal as possible... No flashbacks no ED..
havnt cut my face YET

I just cant keep going
i must have done something so awful

Keep holding on in there, Kel. Not so long until next Thursday. Have you seen that psych. before? If so, do you get on with him/her ok?

Could you tell your support worker about the effect keeping the food diary is having? Maybe she and you could negotiate an alternative way that you can work with, something more flexible.
Just some ideas...you'll have more idea of what might help you--
Maybe a mood diary/chart might help better.
for example -do your flashbacks relate to your ED? If so, have you tracked the connections and the triggers? What alternatives could you use to restricting? Why do you restrict? Is it 'punishment', 'control', or both, or something else entirely?

As you can see, I am of the type who believes that getting to the root cause and working with it is the best way through. I'm not sure if that's helpful for you, but I thought i'd share my ideas, anyway...

From what you say at the end of the post, it sounds like you feel it is your fault you were traumatised. Kel, its not. Really. Noone asks to be hurt.

I know its hard to shift your sense of power to yourself away from the sense of powerlessness. I know for me I flip-flop between them both as I find balance. Its not a straight line. And 'beating myself up' [used to be literally. Now 'just' emotionally.] for not being better and accepting my strengths and feeling more empowered. It can be a vicious circle and can take some untangling. Which hopefully the support you receive can help you with.

Thanks.

Yeah i'v been seeing the shrink for awhile now - i see 2 so its pot luck as i get on with one and not the other.

I will tell the suport worker about the diary next week when i'm there...but i kind of feel like its done its damage. I mean, i'd got to the point where i'd stoped obsesing about liquids and i could drink about 4 different drinks (water, tea, low cal ribena and orange juice) without needing to concider it but now because i have to write it down that thought process had been put back in my head. So even without the diaries now i would worry. If that makes sence.

There deffiantly is a like with all my problems - thats why i'm waiting to see this new psychologist. The ED clinic arnt willing to work with the PTSD. Seems really daft to seperate it all to me though because once my referal is through i dont get the ED support worker anymore.
They keep removing the people i build trust in.

I restrict for a few reasons, it kind of became adaptive. I do it because i struggle with having a female body (not eating means my boobs shrink etc), unfirtunatly i have been 'victimised' by a few people an i'm scared of the figure i once had (big boobs lol) 'coz i feel like it encourages it. i also have issues with feeding a body which 'that' happened to. Also i dont feel like i deserve the food, or enjoyment of anything because of what happened (so i suppose thats punishment). And then when i have really bad flashbacks i also have issues with the actualy phsyical process of eating - putting something in my mouth. Its got pretty complicated!

I do try to tell myself by restricting i'm still letting my past cause damage and i dont want it to beat me...so eatings like 'look your not winning' and i keep trying to convince myself being fragile is only going to make me an easier targit so if i gain il be stronger ad therefore maybe safer....
how much i beleive that fluctuates...

Thanks so much for replying :)

You're welcome.
How're you feeling now?

Hey Kel,

I know what you mean about the food diaries I had exactly the same thoughts as you and they weren't helpful to me.
Maybe you could write down how you feel about eating but not say what you have eaten or just do it very generically.

You are a great person who has been doing superbly well and it's natural for you to feel like this at point's but maybe you can challenge yourself to move on from here even if this feel's impossible.

You know what instead of thinking im such a screw up because I have to see the top psychologist why not think how lucky I am that they think seeing them would be beneficial?

Maybe you could tell your shrink that you find it so disrupting having to continuosly swap who you see and that you hate this feeling of floating without support because you need it and say why.

look after you hunny

xox

Thanks guys *cuddles*

I'm still bad today but in a more teary way when ARhh i'm going to rip my skin off.... how i feel now is more copable with...
I'm contemplating whether i should do this diary for another week (i had to do between 2 appointments 2 weeks apart) until my next appointment or whether to ring and tell her (if she answers)...there was some missunderstandings at the start of my treatment and they thought i was being uncooperative, i dont want that again!

I'm sure she won't mind if you call her up and have a chat about it. She may have her reason's for doing this and if she does then I'd keep on trying it and negotiate it at your next appt.

xoxox

She didnt answer :S

the diary was going to stop me eating so Ians taken it off me so i can eat and then were going to talk about it once the foods digested...hmm

Could you leave her a message to call you back asap?

You're right, you need to eat. That is the priority.

Eating is the priority - Maybe you can try call her again today at least she know's what's going on then.

xoxox

Just rang and her reception type person said shes with someone untill 11 but will ask her to ring me - so fingures crossed...
thanks for your support guys.

I have a ton of work to do so il be back later

let us know how it went hunny

I'm very, very glad you're no longer on the food diary-I too find that they do more harm than good, and I've heard many other people say the same thing. I can of course see the logic behind them, but it would only work if we were capable of being impartial while filling them in.

Eating, as others have said, is the priority and I hope you're managing to eat at least a little. We're all here for you as you struggle through this, and I believe that you're a strong enough person to come out the other side better than ever.

I was doing pretty well till she gave me that...brought back old thoughts...
anyway.... She didnt ring so Ian rang back and she was busy AGAIN, the women that answered asked what the problem was and he told her the food thingy was making me worse...and she said in her opinion not to do it (which i havnt since 3pm yesterday)....so we shall see...

love you all

UPDATE

She just rang me back and she said its important and continue it because its an important part of the treatment and that my eating needs to be out in the open.....and that shell explain more tuesday
i'm sat here crying....
Its Ians birthday sataday and i'm not going to be able to enjoy it now...
i use to obsesivly record stuff and it helped me restrict...and i thought i'd put that behind me and now here it is again.... she said its important that i dont let it make me restrict... this is to hard :crying:
****

Kel, you can do it love. You are in control of you and not the other way round. Believe in yourself and the fact that you can do it love. Don't feel guilty for things that you are struggling with or that are effected by you going through a hard time at the moment and use your energy to focus on that.

You have got this far and you certainly *are* a tough cookie hun. I'm glad that the women rung you back, are you going to try and continue to keep the diary? She is right that it is a way of putting it out there....

You will get there Kel! *hugs*

Chloe xx

Chloe *cuddles* thanks hunny.

I think i have to keep the diary after what she said.... i mean there were issues brought forward about my co-operation with treatment before and i dont want them to think that (last time it was a misunderstanding but anyway)...i guess part of me can see why she needs to see where she stands....and also that my issues with people knowing what i eat is part of it (not that i really see it as important but anyway)...
theres so much worry surrounding this on so may levels....
blah...
i'v had enough of making myself more ill for other people... that was how it got this bad and i'm not going to do that for some random women i met once...but thats easier said than done when i8 worry about what people think of me so much...
*is confused*