I really need some advice
 

Ok, well I used to be a part of this site a long time ago, I was a self harmer, well I suppose I still am but I try not to. Anyway this isn't about me, its about my sister.

I've recently found out that she's cutting herself, I don't know how seriously, she's 13. I know that people presume its for attention a lot at that age but we have a tough family life, without going into too much detail our dad's having a long term affair with a family friend. And its been rough on all of us, I know she feels inadequate, and second best in a lot of respects.

I can't help but feel responsible for putting the idea of s/h into her head, and I don't want her to end regretting what she's doing in later years like I do, but I don't know how to tackle the problem without getting her back up, any suggestions would be appreciated.

Also she's recently started sleeping with her boyfriend, who is the same age. I have no idea why she did it, and I promise I am not being biased when I say she's not a slag at all, she has friends who I think have had sexual experiences and I think it might be a peer pressure thing. But its a stupid thing to do, and I have no idea how to tell her that without sounding patronizing, she thinks she's in love and that they are showing each other how much they love each other. But how can I make her see that she is going to get a reputation and that this is going to be something she regrets?

Sorry for the length, just need to get it off my chest. Advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

hmm... not sure really... I guess with the sister SI thing best thing you can do is just let her know tht you are there if she ants to talk... trying to convince her that you understand or that she will regret it in the future will probably only make her get defensive...

as for the sleeping with her boyfriend thing... not sure she'll get a reputation to be honest... it's scary who young people are starting to have sex currently... I mean at 13 th thought would not have even crossed my mind, but I know of load of friends siblings of 12 or 13 who seem to be doing it.. but you are right it's not a good idea for other reasons, and at that age I'm not 100% that you can truly know what love is... but that may be me being biased and underestimating people...
really not sure how best for you to approach this though... not sure how to explain to someone who has an idea in there mind that sex is an expression of love that love does not require sex at all... I mean yes, in some cases it is an expression of love, but they are not mutually dependent things...


I am really woffleing here aren't I?
I want to help, but the more I thinki about it the more I cannot not seem to see a safe way forward...


are you close with your sister? I guess you could just sit down with her and engage her in conversation, in such a way to make her feel as if you are speaking to her like an adult rather than patronising... sort of letting her expresss her opinions and "side of the story" as well as you telling her yours...

I am quite close to my sister, we weren't always close but we have been over the past few years. She told me about some of the problems with her boyfriend when she was upset recently. But it didn't occur to me that she would start doing stuff like this. I found her online blog a few days ago, which is how i know about all this.

I honestly do understand where she's coming from with the s/h thing having been in her place, and I know that telling her not to do it will hopefully have more of an impact coming from me from past experience, it just seems patronising coming from someone that doesn't understand.

The whole sex thing just seems like a really bad idea though, and I mean I'm not a prude or anything at all. But there's a big difference between me and my boyfriend doing it and my 13 year old sister doing the same. I'm just dreading something going wrong with the protection and her ending up pregnant.

I was planning on sitting down and telling her kind of what I thought, and how she might end up perceiving what she's doing in a few years when she's in my position. At the end of the day even if I make her mad at me for a while but I have my say and let her know what I think and some of it makes an impact it'll be worth it won't it?

Ah it's such a nightmare...Sorry again for the rant. And thanks for your support and suggestion =]

oh I do agree about there being a HUGE difference between 13 year olds having sex and older people... I mean at that age I don't think I even really knew what it was lol, but younger people now are far more aware... I mean my brother is 15 (i'm 21) and he seems to know more about the topic than I do...


I really think the best way to deal with this id to sit down and speak to her, let her feel as if you are treating her like an adult then she is more likely to listan and not to get defencive/feel patronised

I remember having loads of emotions when I was that age, but the difference was that I was convinced that I was in love with Orlando Bloom, *shakes head*.

I don't want to come across as patronising, but i also strongly disapprove of her having sex, I think its disgusting to be honest and it's not going to end well. And I can try to be objective but I don't want to end up dismissing how she feels and encouraging her into doing it more, you see what I mean? I don't want to turn it into her and him against the world, coz I don't have a problem with him at all, I don't think he's pushed her into it particularly.

It just seems like such a mess, and she's my baby sister at the end of the day and I want her to be ok. She's just so caught up in making everyone else feel happy. =/

Thanks again by the way =]

Just talk to your sister about it. Let her know you are there for here and you'll be very understanding if she ever wants to talk. Take care. xo.