Why like this? Why HER? (Rant)
 

I'm pissed. And sad. And just so screwed up and confused right now this is probably a rant. I'm sad for my friend. She's going BACK to the hospital because "I can't stand the voices in my head telling me to kill myself". And while I totally know how that feels, I don't know what to say. She's been in already. She should be better. Why can't there just be a magic button that makes everything go away? Why? I'd love it if I could take all her pain and put it on myself. I'm less important than she is. And then, I'd finally be able to do it. To finally just take the pills and go to sleep. Forever. Maybe then I'd crack. I'm so close to it now, anything could push me over the edge. Just skip going back to cutting, straight to suicide. IF I can I'll hold out until high school, when I'll hopefully be in boarding school. Then I can do it. And my parent's won't know for a few days, or until I'm reported missing. THough people seem not to notice when I dissapear, so whatever. It's so pointless for me to live. All I know is that if Liz goes, I'll follow as quickly as I can. She's strong enough not to, which makes me ecstatic and pisses me off at the same time. Happy because I don't want Liz to die. She's better than that. Pissed because I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it without her leading the way. And that makes me so pissed. I'd really like to just do it now. But I can't. It'd make my other friend Jess feel too guilty, because she knows what I'm feeling, but hasn't told. I'm glad she hasn't told, but she couldn't live with the guilt of knowing she could have prevented it. Though she couldn't have. If I'm determined enough, no one can stop me. I'm just so yuck at the moment.
Any advice as to what I can do? - In regards to life or anything.
Especially what I should do about my friend (liz).
Love,
JJ.

Hey I'm sorry Idon't really know what to say.
*hugs*
I'm sorry things are so hard for you and your friend right now. I think the best thing you could do for her is just make sure she knows you will be there for her when she needs you and that you care.
Would you consider getting help for yourself? You made the poll so I'm guessing it's a possibility to you, please do.
x

Look hun all I can say is that I am really sorry to hear what both you and your friend are going through right now.

We all wish that we could make it all go away, but we can't. We have to be strong and ask for help. Then we have to committed enough to use the support available to its full advantage. It seems like you're friend is doing just that. Maybe it's time that you helped yourself, and told someone how you're feeling.

And hun, don't you think for one second that you are less important than you're friend, and don't think that you should bare the pain of the world on your shoulders.

You are important. You deserve to get help.

PM me anytime.
Helen xx

I'm sorry to hear what you are both going through. I can understand what you are saying. Though I think, yes, you should get help yourself. Other than that I don't know what to say. Sorry. xo.

Thanks for all the advice I've gotten so far. I responded to my friend's email saying that she's going back, but so far I haven't gotten a response back. I'm just so sick with worry about her.
This is the email I sent her.

Wow, congrats on the three weeks. And I'm so sorry you have to back into the hospital. Are you going to the same one? Jess thinks I need help, but I'm alright. I've been trying to convince her of that. She doesn't believe me. I know I'm right, though. I'm sorry about those damn voices. And sry for the cussing. I've been doing a lot more of that lately. It just seems proper words don't seem to express my emotions, which you might be able to understand. You know you shouldn't kill yourself though. I've got the same voices a lot, but I just cuss them out. Or, if that sounds really stupid, I tell them what I have to live for. You and Jess are right after my family, which is the top. I can only begin to comprehend how overwhelming it is. I'm pretty good at shutting myself up. Though I understand how those super annoying thoughts pop up at random intervals, and all the time. I'm so sorry.
Know that I'm here if you need to talk.
Call me ANY TIME. I don't care how late it is. Or early. I have my cell phone if you're too scared to face my parents at like 4 in the morn :)

I'm hoping that I didn't offend her in saying anything. I'm trying to be here for her, but it's hard, especially when half the stuff she says is a trigger to me. And I can't do anything, because I know how annoying it is. Like all the threats my friends are giving me. If I could, I'd threaten her. But because we have so much in common, I can't. And it's good that I'm not going to annoy her, but it limits me in what I can do. And I'm limited even more so by the fact that I can't do anything that will trigger me. Like having serious chats. I'm only 9 days SI free. It's still really tough for me. But I want to be here for her. I'm just so confused.
Love,
JJ.