I've come to a conclusion.
 

If you aren't a priority in somebody's life, then how are you supposed to be ''loved'' by someone? I mean, truly loved and cared for? I've came to the conclusion that I'm not a priority in anybody's life really. Not my parents, so so so not my parents. My grandparents are there for me, but I'm not a priority to them, I'm a burden. My friends, or supposed friends, don't really know me. And Otto left me.
I dont have anybody. And I know the logical thing to do is a be a priority to myself, I mean I get that. And I take care of myself, I always have since I was little and my sister was born. It's not that I can't. It's just that, I really wish someone would care if I did or not. If I stopped taking care of myself and stopped making straight As in school, nobody would do anything or say anything or feel anything what so ever. It bothers me.
So I've got the conclusion, but I don't have a solution. And I'm a bit worried that I'm going to do something stupid. I cut up my arm pretty bad the other night.. And it just.. I feel alone. I mean I dont want to die. But I'm not sure if I can handle living. It's like in Algebra or something, there's no solution. It's just possible. Father has always said that. Always put these thoughts in my head and I'm not sure what to do about getting them out. Cutting has been that for so long but I honestly .. I mean logically I want to stop. But emotionally I can't bear the thought. All these contradicting thoughts are running through my mind at such a speed that I can't seem to figure this out.. I mean I know how the facts are laid out logically however.. My mind can't find a solution. And I know more people are going to come into my life, but I miss those that have left. And these thoughts in my mind are just constantly driving me away from .. sanity. I mean, I get it, ADHD, and all those other disorders cause these things. And I refuse the medication which may be a stupid choice, but I want to find some way to deal with this on my own. I'm just not sure of how..

Sorry its so long..
Any words would be of help..

peace<3

Heyy,
I don't really have any advice or anything, sorry. But I can understand what you're saying and where you are coming from. Take care. xo.

Hey,
I think trying to reconcile 'logical' and 'illogical' thoughts is always going to be difficult; a lot of the time, a thought process can be illogical, you can recgonise that, but it doesn't make the thought process wrong. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but if seems like you're trying to rationalise things which perhaps don't need rationalising.

Why do you choose to refuse medication? You say you want to find a way to do this on your own; I think that's admirable, I think that's brave, but sometimes asking for help and accepting help is the bravest thing you can do.

What makes you feel like you're friends don't know you? Have you tried opening up to them and letting them in?

As for being a priority in someone's life; all my friends are a priority in my life. I love for them and care for them all, but at the same time, they might not always feel like they're a priority in my life. If they need my help, I'll be there for them as much as I can be, but if they don't let me in, I can't be there for them.

Thank ya'll both..
I understand what you were saying.
Well it is to a point that I haven't let them in, but only because in the past they've hurt me. And I trust them, but it seems, okay we've had the same group of friends since kindergarden its a small town, that sort of thing. So we've been through it all. And whenever any of them need something, I'm always there. I'm sort of the one that holds composure, the strong one. The one everyone turns to with something serious. And after I'm there for that person, everyone sort of just follows and the person is comforted and helped and made to know that they arent alone and etc. But I find, quite frequently if I have a problem, its not that way with me. It's different. And its like that with everyone, not just my friends. With my mother, if she has a problem it must be dealt with immediately and I must listen and etc.. But if it's my problem, oh things will work. And then thats the end of it. I realize that I'm a teenager so some of my problems aren't as serious as hers, but they're still problems that need resolution. And the fact that no one really does what I do for them bothers me. It shouldn't I don't mean to be selfish. I mean I'm going to be there for them regardless.. but its not just my friends, its family, its my grandparents for crying out loud.. It's like when they need something its a need and its important, but when I need to be comforted or whatever its an annoyance, and it hurts. I try to be there for everyone and I dont mean to be selfish by saying all this, I would never judge them for it or not be there for them in return, but I feel really alone. I feel different from everyone else. I just want a place, I want to belong. I mean isn't that a natural right? .. I'm just not sure why I'm different. I'm starting to get desperate.. I've been waiting for someone for so long to just be there for me. And not bail... With my guy leaving in January I've been sort of under the weather and I haven't showed it because it seems as though when I bring it up they just brush it off as nothing. They don't understand that I honest to god loved him. And it was a very serious thing to me, I dont know. Maybe I just care to much. I've tried to explain things to them, but they litterally stop me mid-sentence and start another topic, or just don't pay attention all together. I mean I don't know what the point of writing this is. I'm sorry. Please don't get the wrong impression, I love my friends. I love.. most of my family. I just don't understand why they can't seem to love me back..