Need some help... I guess (also long, poss. trig for suicide)
 

I haven't posted on here in quite awhile.. and the reason was supposed to be that I needed time off from everything and everyone (including my friends and family). Unfortunately that hasn't been the case. In the past month, everything has just gotten worse to the point where I just don't care anymore about anything or anyone. Even one of my friends who I recently made told me t hat she was concerned about me -- but I lied straight to her face and she believed me. I was scared this morning as I felt quite sick mentally and emotionally (a bit physically as well) to the point where I did not want to leave my room to go to work. Its the first time thats happened, so when I tried to explain it to my mom she just yelled at me and told me to get my fooking butt to work. When I played the being physically sick card, she sighed and said whatever and left me alone. She did forcce me to go to my two classes that I have at college because she said that if I didn't go no matter what I said she would take away all of my priviliges including my phone. So here I am at school totally not sane and hearing things that aren't there, listening to my IPOD blasting music and trying to focus on Latin... which isn't exactly working very well.

I also have found out in the past week (unfortunately) that by not eating anything, I can override the voices. This has led to times of me coming close to passing out and shaking alot. I am drinking water still, but most times by the time it gets to that point I have to eat cause my friends pick up on that I am shaking and start to ask questions of me and of whats going on. I do feel one of the strongest urges I have had since back in 2006 (or was it 2007, I don't remember) to hurt myself. The date I listed was when I bascially said screw it all and fully attempted suicide... and I somehow evaded being hospitalized for anything or getting in any trouble.

My psych and I are still having issues -- and I refuse to talk to him. We get nowhere. I am thinking about seeing a new psych... but I get too afraid and confused... so I decide not to do anything. The last thing we discussed when I talked to him not over the phone was how he thought I was getting alot worse and what we should be doing in the future to help me. I did call him over the weekend... but he hasn't responded to me. I may call him again tonight... but I am too afraid to.

Bascially, this long message of crap is stating that I would like to really hurt myself right now more than I am used to and I am even entertaining thoughts of suicide and suicidal beliefs. I don't have a group of people I can really talk to... so I am quite alone on this aspect. I am afraid that I really will do something cause the voices are really loud and I can't focus on anything but them and trying to fight them makes me miss other things going on around me or I don't pay attention to things so I run into things...

I am scared.. Hep. :crying:

Matthew

Hey sorry to hear you having a hard time. do you think you can csll the samaratens they might be able to hellp you. also if your having issues with your phsyce getting a new one is useful. if you think your at risk to yourself can you get down to the hospital? if u need to talk feel free to pm me.\x

Hii,
I don't really know what advice to give. It's good you have professional support, even if you do refuse to talk to him. *HUGS* Maybe if you can't talk to him face to face maybe write a letter or an email to him about how you are feeling. Please do not hurt yourself as this will not make anything better, only wrose. You can get through this, you will get through this. Please talk to your pysch. Take care. xo.

Hey,
I'm really sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. I can relate to needing time off from things and the feeling of needing to get away from everything. At the same time, I know that sometimes it can be a way of stagnating. If you get away from things, you don't have to deal with them. But when you come back, it's all still there and it can be really difficult to start dealing with it all over again. I don't know you or your situation, but it does seem like you might get really stuck if you don't accept your circumstances as they are. I'm not saying that's easy, but try to keep talking about everything.

What is it that makes you feel like you can't talk to your pysch? Do you think you would be able to find another one? It's hard finding someone you trust and can open up to, but I think it's really important that you get the help that you need and deserve. If you are feeling really unsafe, please call him. I know you might not be able to talk to him about how you're feeling, but he will be able to help keep you safe.

I know that a lot of this is scary and hard to deal with, but it will not feel like this forever. You can get the help you need to get better, so please try and stay safe.
Take care
xxx

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time ):
I'm not sure what to say, and I haven't got the time to say what I'd like to say *huggles* Stay strong x If you need a chat I'm always here, okay?

Gah. My parents basically went through my room today. I can't find any of my stuff at all. I have stuff in certain places hidden, and all of my stuff was moved and the stuff I had hidden were gone. I most definitely need them right now as I can't seem to fight the damn voices... I so need to cut and I can't fooking resist it anymore. I can't call the psych either, cause when we talked last time he said that I would have to really think about the potential of going in voluntarily if I couldn't remain safe. Well... screw that...

Matt