Heads or Tails...Life or Death
 

Dreams unravelling and hope questioning what matters now. This mind tormented…how long…how far…what do you want from her?? Nothing matters now, reach out and she falls anyways having slipped to far from the grasp of the stranger reaching out to try and save her. Unaware of anything she doesn’t see them on their knees, crying out, begging her to hold on. Slowly she looks up, sadness flooding her soul…wishing it had been different that she had the strength to endure, but she knows that nothing remains…she lets go, not because she wants to but because she can take no more.

So many raw emotions running through me at the moment I just long so desperatly for a way out of this pain...I don't know how to turn the thoughts of death off, or how to tell my psych just how bad they are. Every minute has turned into this fight for life and at times I find am no longer rational.

Life hung in the balance of the flip of a coin today...what's with that??? Heads and I have to live another day but tails and I am permitted an exit, how I longed for tails and yet seemed fearfully relieved to see heads, although it just left more pain and confusion. Living means that I have to endure so much pain...how does one fight for life when the idea of living is so much worse then death???

in answer to your question, I guess we just have to dig deeper than ever before into that hidden strength.
We can all do it as if we couldnt noe of us would be here.

Just wish I could take some of my own advice.

I do understand xx

one day it will not be like this and you will be pleased that the coin was heads, keep fighting, I know it's hard, but don't give up. I think telling your psych would be a good idea, write it down if you don't think you can tell him/her, hugs, Hannah

how are you doing today?

Maybe print this post off to show your pysch? I finding printing off things I've already written helps.

Hugsx

Thanx for the kind replies and advice about writting it down. I am only new here so not use to getting feedback but seriously has meant so much.

Saw psych today and feel like I have been torn to sheds having had to talk about stuff that I would much rather be running from. But his response was much gentler then I expected and he kept asking me questions that kinda helped me respond...and when I couldn't, well he could gauge answers based upon emotional response, which I didnt realise he was doing until he asked and answered sereval questions correctly.

Scares me thinking now maybe others know more about me then I have ever said...so desire to isolate even more intense. Left in not great space but avoided hospital with agreeing to allow Pastoral Care to check in with me over the coming days. Feel intense shame that so many people now worried about me and having to spend time with me, but biggest fear is still that it will all be for nothing...scared that I am not strong enough to face the darkness within and the things that created it in the first place.

Thanx for listening.

Don't isolate any more, even though you are tempted to do so. Perhaps think of it this way: your psych has been trained to understand people including their non-verbal behaviour.. so perhaps that's why he was able to gauge your answers.

Keep on fighting and keep on talking here, k?

Feel free to pm me if you ever need it.