options
 

i've got three of them, options that is, and i can't have the first two so here i am clinging to the constant.

Option 1: Him, M-Dub...he's all gone, we broke up for reasons related to option two, then he was sent away for reasons also related to option two, and i wish he were around, and i can't forget him, i just want him near me, or to talk to him (i haven't for the past three weeks) i miss him so much, i can't forget about him, i can't stop thinking about him, he just kind of hovers in my brain 24/7, i know it's petty and teenage angsty but i miss him so much.

Option 2: H. i'd give it up to have him back, but he's gone so there's not point...nevertheless i can't get it because 1, i'm dead broke, have overdrawn my bank account, and 2, i'm being drug tested on wednesday and don't want to take that risk. this is part of the reason i'm so miserable, the first couple days without it i feel so hopeless and depressed, anything will set me off.

The Constant: cutting, of course. It doesn't even make me feel better, I don't know why i'm doing it, i guess i just want to feel like i can do something when everything seems to be going down the drain, i'm just clinging onto some semblance of control.

i just want a hug. no. i just want him. this is so pathetic. fuck. i hate this, want to sleep for a year and not have to deal with myself and everything around me.

i want it to stop.

It's not pathetic. It's hard when you lose someone you love, especially romantically. I'm glad you're not doing drugs, even if it's more cause you don't have access. Are you talking to anyone about the cutting?

i'm seeing a therapist, but i'm disinclined to tell him about cutting, because he has contact with my dad, and even though it would be a breach of confidentialty, methinks, if he told my dad about it, i'd rather not risk it at all.
and i don't want to talk to my friends about it, even though i'm sure my best would understand since she tried to kill herself a while back...but it stresses her out when i talk about stuff like that because she wants to help me but doesn't know how, and i don't like stressing her out.
so, in short, no.

I don't know the exact circumstances of your break-up, but the way I see it, often the drugs are like a third person in a relationship. You can't really commit to somebody 100% if you're addicted to drugs because being addicted makes you lie to the people you love, hide things, and ultimately you feel like you need them. Instead of cutting, I think you need to really find some determination to regain control over your life and stop the drug abuse. You need to prove to him that you want him more than you want the drugs, if that makes sense. Could you see a doctor about it? They can prescribe you something for the withdrawal symptoms if you find they're really bad.

I'm sorry things are so hard.

Hun, I'm sorry things are hard right now. As already said it can be hard to lose someone you love. *HUGS* It's good you're not doing drugs. Please talk to your theapist about this. Take care. xo.