trying to get my life back. not working too well. *graphic*
 

I went three months without hurting myself. I struggled, but I got through that time. Each day it got harder, but I got through. I should be proud of that much, I know.

Two days ago, my ex boyfriend stalked me. He followed me. He found me. He beat me. He molested me.

Yesterday, I cut myself. On my arm, though I hadn't done it in a visible place in years. A bit too deep. There was too much blood. I was at school. I sat alone nearby my friends, bleeding. No one noticed. No one asked if something was wrong, though I was shaking uncontrollably. My best friend finally came back and saw me. He saw the cut. He went for help. Soon others noticed. People gathered around me. My friends. They all went quiet. I didn't see much that was going on around me after that. People cleaned up the cut. Held me. Cried with me.

Today, I woke up with my pillow covered in blood. My nose was bleeding. Really bad. I took care of it and it eventually stopped, though not for a while. Later on today, it started bleeding again. Bad, again. My mother seems to think I might be anemic from not eating meat... She doesn't know what happened with my ex.

Now, I see the scratch, lined next to a bunch of scars. And I want it to spread. I want the scars to open up and release all the blood, all the pain, that they're holding in. I want it so bad, more so than I can ever remember wanting it before. I can't stand this.


Now, I know that I don't really want to do it again. I want to...but I don't want my friends to go through that again. I don't want to go through that again. But it's like I've started over again. Wasted those three months of struggling.

It seems as though my friends might care about me. Maybe they do. But they didn't even notice me for minutes as I sat shaking and bleeding. Maybe it was something other than caring that made them do that. Do my friends really truly care?

Could something have happened when I was beaten that could cause a nosebleed two days later? I don't want people to know what happened.


I was trying to get my life back, but then it all started falling apart. What do I do now? Someone, please help with any of this. Because I don't know where to go from here.

*hugs*

First of all you need to go to the police and get a restraining order on your ex if you don't already. I know you don't want anyone to know and would probably prefer to bury the whole thing but it's important. He shouldn't do that and he will keep on doing it if not to you than to others as well so you need to tell the police.

Try not to worry too much about slipping up, under those circumstances I would have been surprised (very proud of you but still surprised) if you hadn't. It's not wasted, far from it. Your friends really do care about you. They may not have noticed because they weren't aware so they weren't watching you like a hawk. Or it could have only been a few moments till they noticed but it seemed like ages to you.

How is your head? Do you have bad headaches or nausia? If he hit your head really hard and you had a nosebleed you really need to get to an emergency centre, it could be really serious, your brain bleeding or anything. If it's still occasionally bleeding I would go anyway even if you don't really have a headache. It could be nothing, it could be just that your nose was struck and any light pressure rebursts the blood vessles in it, but it could be potentially life threatening.

*hugs* I'm here for you if you wanna talk, my pm box is always open, as is instant messenger

I am so sorry for what happened to you. *offers hugs if you can accept them*

Congrats on three months, that is amazing. Can you consider this a slip-up? Slip-ups often happen in recovery, but you can keep moving forward. Those three months are not wasted at all. That is an incredible achievement.

Is there anyone you can talk to about what happened with your ex-boyfriend? A counselor or someone? Keeping it inside can make things worse in the long run.

The police won't be able to do anything. Our relationship wasn't very serious. It was more like a fling. A year ago. I don't even remember his last name. And I don't know where he lives. I know it's somewhere about three hours away from me, but that doesn't help much. But if I tell my parents, they'll make me go to the police despite that fact, and it'll create a big conflict that I don't want to deal with right now. I've had to deal with the police for things like this before, and I know enough to know that they can't do anything. Other than the bruise on my eye, there's absolutely no evidence that it even happened. All it'll do is make me keep revisiting it every five minutes to tell people what happened. I was physically assaulted over a year ago, and I'm still having to go back to it to tell people, because I filed a report. And of course, they didn't do anything that time either. I don't want this to stay with me for that long. I mean, I know that it'll stay with me forever. But I don't want to have to talk about it all the time.

No, no headaches or anything like that. I just don't want to go to a doctor because they'll have to tell my parents. I don't want them to make a big deal about this.

I told my friends about it. And they made me tell a teacher. And the teacher made me talk to the nurse, for whatever reason. And he just kept saying that I had to tell my parents, but he said he wouldn't tell them, that he would let me do it. I don't want to though.
I have a school councelor that I could talk to if I wanted to. She already knows me. I don't have a psych or anything though.

Hun,
I think you should tell your mum or someone else what happened with your ex. *HUGS* I'm not sure if the nose bleed is connected to the attack. Three months without self-harming is amazing. Well done. I can understand why you cut after the attack though. Please don't cut again though, you can get through this. I'm not sure what else to say though I think you should talk to someone and don't give into the urge to cut. I know it's hard, but like I said you can get through this. Keep yourself busy. Take care, sweetheart. xo.