RYL Forums - worried about me & bf *adult* *OD*

worried about me and my bf. so i've been kinda disconnecting from reality ALOT lately. getting paranoid (well maybe, i know i'd be diagnosed as such, but who knows, maybe it's true), dissociating. well apparently i have always dissociated but just found out from counselor and such. but it seems to be happening a lot. not sure if its just me noticing it or what.

but there's been a few times i just have been really really disconnecting. and then the other day, the smell came back. i get this smell, seems to SOMETIMES be set off by bread/crackers (not always, sometimes by nothing, and i can eat those foods w/o it always coming), and it was set off by a croissant about 3 days ago. it's really overpowering. it either makes me want to cut, or be super manic. this time it was cut. i haven't done anything, but it made me want to, even though nothing was wrong. i almost did cut. it's been coming and going, though it's much less today.

anyway, at the same time, my bf has been getting very upset at our "friends". they are super dramatic. and very negative. i have already distanced myself from them and notice a huge improvement in my mood. and the new drama is that my sister, who three of the guys really like, has become single. and there's other stuff. but it's been really bothering my bf. i suggested he cut himself off from them for a while, maybe even change phone number, etc. just to send a point of "i do NOT want involvement in drama". my bf cares too much about them, so he tries to fix their meaningless drama. it's hard to explain how super dramatic they are.

so i don't go to their thurs night hang out cause i work at 4am now. but thursday night he got back and was really really upset. between the guys acting super immature cause of my sister, two others gossiping about the drama, rudeness at the restaurant, someone telling him he'd have to choose the group or me (which made no sense, but that's this friends logic - NO logic), and so forth. and apparently my sister said something off the cuff when he wanted her to take him home (which my mom had said she would do, as my sister is using my mom's car w/o paying gas money). but he dissociated when she said it, cause he doesn't remember it. just remembers everyone else giving off a strange anger at his reaction of anger. (you can totally feel when he's angry) and so obviously whatever she said reminded him of something bad in the past, but he doesn't know what. i'm gonna ask one of them what she said. this has happened in another way before.

but also he's been having issues with us having sex. we only started a month ago. (been together almost 9 months & live together for much longer) even when he decided he wanted to, we didn't for a while til i got birth control. but it's really overtaken him and caused a lot of weird things. he gets very obsessed with it. he can't help it, but it's very hard for him when i can't or don't want to. i can just tell his horomones actually cause him severe anger and pain when i don't do stuff. and it really all blew up last night. he had decided since the thursday night thing to break all contacts. after that, he had a severe episode. it was a mixture of depression and severe hypersexuality.

he was sooo depressed, so angry (which is an ongoing problem, admittedly) and not quite sure why. i figured it was partly the idea of not having friends. but then he started making out with me, and was TOTALLY fine. until i started severely dissociating for some weird reason and couldn't do it. meanwhile he's dissociating (which we also only recently identified), bringing up random bad memories, and talking to himself. THEN, it comes out that he's been hearing horrible, abusive voices for about a week now. Consistently. But he's never heard voices before. EVER.

He can identify some things that have been bothering him lately, but not what set off the voices. and the other thing is, the day he started hearing them, he threw up ALL night long, every 10-15 minutes. He also passes out alot whenever sick (like this time), injured, or when severely emotionally stressed. I thought it was food poisoning and took him to urgent care. dr. gave him meds and it got better and in a few hours he was tired but fine. but now this comes out and i wonder. apparently he also got paranoid about the dr. i have noticed some paranoia before, but not to what he is describing.

it got so bad i begged him to let me take him to the hospital. he was hearing voices, talking to himself, getting super angry (especially that i couldn't always sleep with him), saying nothing he wanted mattered... but then he'd say it wasn't my fault and get upset i was crying. just say he'd get a counselor asap but he had to ignore it. that life goes on no matter how he feels, as he put it. i tried to explain that ignoring it doesn't always work. we talked a bit about the memories that set a lot of it off, but i know i haven't gotten to the whole thing. we went to my parents (cause it was planned) to spend the night, and he was much better.

then today, we got home and again he wanted to have sex. but i got it in my head that i was just gonna have to have sex to make him happy, and it made me so mad. and set off a strange sense of a flashback of being forced to have sex, but i've never been abused, so i don't get it.

i knew it wasn't his fault and he has an addiction & mental issues he needs help with. but i started dissociating worse than usual. i was so out of it i barely remember it. even though i was offering to have sex, he noticed how much i was just gone and not enjoying it and stopped, even though he obviously has issues with stopping when he really wants it. i almost passed out. i think i even came from fooling around (not to be graphic) and didn't really feel anything. so i know he loves me and just doesn't know how to control it and that there's some severe psych stuff going on. i fell asleep in this severe dissociated state and woke up feeling so much pain at the whole catch-22 of knowing he's not happy if he can't have sex when he wants to, and that i dissociate often during sex and want to stop (though these two times were SO much worse). then, i drank some water and instantly was fine!!! we ended up having sex later on today and it was fine. i should also mention i'm his first one to have sex with.

i just don't know what to do. i know he's gonna get help, but is it enough? i keep telling him he HAS to listen to the counselor and be honest. i also am going to get relationship counseling. these psych issues really are our only relationship problems. we get alone wonderfully. no drama, when we get irritated we talk about it and it's not big deal. no stupid fights. just this.

i was so scared last night the way he was getting. I wanted to take him in but he said no because his parents would find out due to same insurance. he does remember it. but i didn't know if he'd go kill himself. he's never acted like he'd do this, but this was total psychosis. and i've been losing touch with reality bad. and the way i dissociated the last two days was downright scary. i thought about suicide. and i was about to go take extra of my PRN meds just to knock me out. i'm good now, but this has just been progressing with his occasional dissociation and more than occasional anger outbursts & hypersexuality that he can't control. I think the thing that scared me the most is that he was getting psychotic WHILE i was dissociating. so no one was with it enough to help anyone.