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Having a Hard Time...
Just a friendly warning that this could potentially be quite triggering for some.
Ok, I've been Self-Injuring for about ten years now, "clean" (ish) for four with the occasional slip here and there. Two months ago I had a minor relapse, now I have SIed in the past four years then got the whole "What the hell are you doing?" kick in the ass from myself. This time however I'm having a really hard time with it, I'm not really in a bad state mentally or emotionally, I mean I have good days and bad days just like everyone else, but overall I'm OK and yet, I can't stop thinking about it, I don't need it like I used to, I want it and I can't help but think that might be worse. I feel like I'm "joansing" if you will. I have tried everything I can think of, everything that helped me four years ago when I quit, along with some new ideas and nothing is helping, nothing is working. I think maybe if I just cut once or twice I'd be ok again for a little while, but I know if I do a little slice isn't going to be enough. I want to sit there and cut little by little, watching it open, feeling the blood flow, watching it fall drop by drop, seeing just how deep I can go without going too deep, teetering on the edge, just how far can I push it. That feeling of having complete and total control of what's going to happen in that exact moment, each time the blade goes in a little deeper, opening it a little wider, bleeding a little bit more, the feeling of euphoria swelling through my body in waves, bringing goose bumps to my skin. I'm afraid that if I do I'll remember how great it was, how much I miss it and I'll get engulfed and swallowed in it, again. I'm not sure how long that fear is going to be enough to stop me. I want it so badly I feel like my skin is crawling. I have no clue what to do besides ride it out and hope it gets better...which thus far really isn't working out so well for me. |
Well done for coming this far.
Is there something that is making you feel like this now? I know its really hard but you have shown you are a strong person so you just have to keep plodding on and fighting this because you can get through it. Have you got any proffessional support? Often if you haven't worked through the reasons why you si its more likely to keep coming up again and again. Take care of yourself love xx |
I was going to ask the same question as Miss Pixie - do you have any professional support? If not it sounds like that's what you need. The first step towards that is seeing your GP.
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What started the relapse a few months ago was a lot of overwhelming stress, there was a lot going on and going in a million different directions, none of which were really the direction I wanted. Things have kind of settled out a little bit, but there's still a lot that's up in the air.
I haven't had any professional help, nor do I really have the means to do so, I do want desperately to talk to someone about this, I have some good friends and I'm engaged, my fiance is great, but I can't talk to them about this, which is more my fault then theirs, we've never really talked too much about it and I can't seem to bring myself to start the conversation. He doesn't even know about the relapse or if he does he never said anything about it. I've learned over the years how to make sure I don't get caught. I know I'm stronger then this, I've proven that to myself many a times, right now I guess I'm just not sure I want to be. |
Hun, please don't cut you've done soo well! :)
Keep yourself busy, if possible. You don't want to get into thet cycle of addiction/needing it all the time again. You can get through this and this will pass. Just keep fighting. Are/were you getting any professional help/support from anyone? Take care, we're always here for you. xx |
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