Life
 

So, I go to a boarding school (on my own choice). But at the moment, I'm on spring break, and I can't stand being at home. My mom lets her abusive boyfriend live in the house, even though everyone in our family hates him. I've done everything I can to make her just get rid of him, including making my mom meet my counselor (a licensed marriage/family therapist) at school to try and talk some sense into her. He's lived with us for the past couple of years, and I can't stand how he's always swearing at me and my family, or at least around us. Even when I brought my friend here, he was swearing in front of her, calling my mom names. He's also had a history of physical violence with my mom, like hitting her, breaking the mirror in her car, pulling her ear and her arm, etc. It's so weird, because sometimes, he can be so nice, but he can just suddenly transform into a monster after a few beers. Everyone tells me to just wait till I'm in college for good, and I won't have to deal with it, but my youngest brother is only 12. Mom's bf yells at him a lot, and I don't want him to need to deal with this. I just don't know what to do about that anymore.

I just hate living here. He also likes to lay guilt on me about things like spending money. I honestly don't shop that much, but he's always complaining whenever I buy things. Mom says to not pay attention to him, because he's an even worse moocher, but I can't help but take statements like that to heart. I come from a rather poor-ish family (not living in dumpsters, of course, but the money isn't exactly rolling in), so I'm always worrying that I am spending too much on things. I always worry that I'm such a disappointment to people-- that's my biggest thing. I worry too much that people are disappointed with me, then I grow to think that they really are, and I'll depress myself about it, and go into states where I just want to cut myself, or fantasize about dying.

There have been so many times that I just think I'm not loved, and I even went so far as to carve "Beloved" onto my arm to try and remind myself that I am. Well, I got caught on that one, and the school had to call my mom. My mom, though, told me a few days ago that it didn't really matter anymore what I do. So I've been starting to hurt myself more and more.

I find myself full of anger at so many people irrationally, and then I take it out on myself. I get so frustrated at little things and they just build it up until I just want to hurt myself. I've been cutting on/off for about 5 years now, and I can't remember sinking as low as I have been this year since I first started. I was diagnosed with depression in December, and I've been on Prozac since then. Sometimes, I think it works, but lately, I'm not as certain. It's like I'm tumbling back down, except as long as I do my schoolwork this time, nobody will care. There's just nothing else to do. And I don't even know if my schoolwork is suffering lately-- it's spring break, after all, and I was doing assignments before break.

Meh, I don't know, I'm just confused with life. x.x

Crap, I should've put a triggering note thing on it. ><

^ You can hun, just edit your post.

It sounds like home is so hard right now. I have never been in a situation so I don't have much advice for you I'm afraid. Keep supporting your mum, telling her that she doesn't deserve to be treated so badly. And your little brother too. None of you deserve to be abused, not them and not you. If your mum is telling you to ignore him when he talks about money, she obviously doesn't think you spend too much, so try not to worry about that hun, listen to her and not him.
When do you go back to school? Keep holding on to the fact you won't be home for long. Is your brother able to stay with you sometimes?
Work wise, I have the same trouble in that tutors don't care as long as the work in. Do you think you could go back to your GP and tell them how you are feeling, and that you're unsure if the prozac is effective? They could try a new one or up the dosage maybe.
Look after yourself xx

Ohhh, heh, I hadn't seen the labels thing.

I basically feel like there's nothing to do about her boyfriend except give up. She already knows he's not good for her or us, but she just isn't doing anything, despite telling me all the time that she will. It's all just a matter of getting him out-- which she isn't doing.

I go back to school next Sunday. My brothers aren't allowed to stay, since the school is all-girls. Plus, it's really far from my house-- not an easy day trip (5 hours each way on a good day).

My counselor is back at school, so I can't really get a hold of her just now. She said I could email her, but our school's email is down, and I don't know how else I could get in touch. I just don't know how much more she's able to help.

Maybe she's holding on to the fact he can be really nice, like you said he can be sometimes. If she loves that part of him it might be difficult to give up, even though logically she knows how much damage he is causing, and not just to herself. Keep at her, she might eventually realise that you are giving her sound advice she should take, rather than just reassuring you and then not acting.
School will be a good break for you. Try and hold on until then SI-wise. Don't let him hurt you more than he already is doing, he isn't worth it.
Can you try emailing anyway? The system might get back working soon, and she'll email then. She is someone to talk to, and even though she can't practically come and help, she is emotional support and she sounds good, too.

Yeah. x.x He's being really nice this morning-- making pancakes for my brother and cousin. But I know the horrible man that he can be. I just don't know what else I could possibly say to mom to make her get rid of him.

It's not just him, though-- my mom makes me want to do it a lot, too. >< I always feel like a failed child or that she's controlling me to much or something, I don't know.

I would email her if I could, but I can't even get into my email. I can't even log in because the server is down.

Ah ok, I got confused about the emailing. Maybe write down what you want to say, and then when you can get on you can email it. It might help to write it down too.

You aren't a failure, and it's awful when parents make their kids feel like that. My mum used to always make me feel like a bad daughter etc. In the end I just had to harden myself to it, and then she stopped. It is hard though. You have to just tell yourself that you aren't a bad person, you're not doing anything wrong. As for her being controlling, I won't say defy her, but if you feel she's being unreasonable then tell her so? If that's possible.

It's good he's being nice today. I don't know what else you can say either except what you already have. It's not fair for you and your brothers to suffer because of her bad choices, and she'll realise that some day, hopefully soon.

It feels like my mom does that a lot, even when I know, logically, that she isn't. She used to do it a whole lot more than she does now, and I think I'm just stuck with that mindset. As for the controlling, I just feel like I can do things myself now. I'm legal, I know how to do things myself, yet she insists on doing everything. Meh. I can easily drive to the court house to get a new passport made, but she drags me around with her for everything.

I hope she realizes it too. Thanks.

sorry i don't have any advice, but *hugs*

Hey. What boarding school are you at? I'm desperate to get away from this place, my personal hell, and if you're happy with your boarding school, I'd love the reccomendation!
Good luck with your struggles, sound's like they're horrible.
You'll be in my thoughts!
Love,
JJ

Hun,
I'm sorry you're having to deal with that. Could you talk to your mom about this and how you're feeling? Sorry, I don't have much advice. Try and not hurt yourself, it won't help anything. Try and keep yourself busy if you can. Take care though hun. xx

I PMed you, JJ.

My mom already knows that I feel this way. ><

Thanks, all. <3