ramblings from me, poss abuse tirg
 

Hi there
So sorry it has been a long time since I posted, I get all paranoid about stuff and then I can't say anything. Things with my dad have been up in the air.
Some of you may know my dad abused me. My parents got divorced, now my dad many years later has decided to re-marry. I found out yesterday after talking to my mum and it really upset me for some reason. I can't tell really why it upset me so mcuh, I mean it's not like he has been there for me or anything so I really shouldnt care. I know the woman he is marrying doesn't like me, so now I really have lost my father after all.

Then the docs have been upping my antipscychotics, which is making me sluggish and I keep getting these really flat moments which I never used to remember, apparntely it's what happens, but I never remember it before, very strange.
I have been having strange voices these past couple of days, which has not been a good sign, particulary as I am wanting to desperately to get back to normal living. Everyone says it's coz I'm ill but I'm trrying to say to them that although I am ill, I shouldn't be treated differently, they should let me want to get a degree. I really really want to move out and get my degree, only one more year to go you see. But then how do I deal with everything.
I do have a new team though, intervention in psychosis they are called, which is cool coz they specialise in my condition. CBT for voices, and I have a crisis card made so people know what to do if I become ill.
Anyways, that is way too much rambling, sorry I guess I am just frustrated about being ill and sad about my dads marriage, and recently it makes me suicidal. Stupid stiupid me, ah don;t want to be me, don';t want to know me. :(

Its good to hear from you. I was wondering how you were doing. The thing with your dad could be just sortof because even though you knew he wasn't in your life you knew it was sortof on your terms and now its on his terms. You just have to be able to wrap your mind around him finally being out of your life. It might take a bit but you'll eventually get used to it. About being "ill"...I don't think anyone should treat you any different and I think you should be able to get a degree no matter what anyone says. You are still a smart person with talents and not only your illness. I hope your new team is better then your old one and can help more because they are more specialized. Its ok to be frustrated because of everything that is going on but the frustration will become less. Things will get better and you will start to feel better if only for a little while. *big hugs*

*agrees with above*
Good to see you again hammy!! Im sure you are frustrated..but this is all kind of new right? Yes you had 'symptoms' before but they diodnt seem as severe as now. And then to be 'labelled' well, it is hard to take right away. You need time to acept it and to learn how to live with it...and you will..but again it will take time. I'm glad you have a specialised team, that should definitely help.
About your dad, i should think it would feel like losing him all over again, despite what he did to you. Can you talk of these feelings to your couns.? They might give you a different perspective on it and it might just help to talk it out.
Keep trying for that degree hammy. I know how much you want it. Perhaps with the new team, new meds, it will become possible for you again. But if worse come to worse, its not like if you dont it this year you will lose it...if you have to defer it thats all it is..a deferment till you are certainly stronger and then it will be yours.
Keep talking hammy, missed you hun :o)
luv ya
romp

hi hammy,
its so great to see you around!!! im really sorry that youre feeling so bad. ive missed chatting with you. you are so determined to finish your degree and i really believe you will. it may take a little time but you will do it. your illness is something that you battle every day and you are so brave. gosh, i wish i had better words but im losing them. i love you hammy. i wish we werent an ocean apart!!! always thinking of you
xx

I think wanting to not be treated differently is admirable and a normal and an expected response. However, due to the nature of your illness it is just not that simple. The symptoms of your illness mean that you DO have to be treated differently. Its all part of your treatment. You have a specialist team to help you and thats a difference for a start. Try not to stigmatise the word "differently". It doesnt mean you are any less of a person. It means that circumstances dictate you are treated a little different to normal to assist you in your recovery.

If you broke a leg, people would treat you differently! they would have to! They couldnt expect you to run! If you have flu you are treated differently too. People dont expect you to go to work! You are still the same person to them. That DOESNT change. But your current circumstances require changes to be made to help you.

You do not have to lose sight of your goal. you may just have to put your plans back for a while.

Take care
Matthew xxx