argh...what to do
 

i'm in Germany right now and have been for a week(i'm from Canada) i lied to my counselor about the fact that i was having suicidal thoughts again(i told her i was at no risk to commit suicide) so that i could do this exchange- in total it's 10 weeks long- but the suicidal thoughts have only gotten worse. I e-mailed my counselor a few days ago and told her everything- she thinks it's best if i go home. I do think it would be good since i have more support at home than i do here(for me the support helps more than the medication) but that means i'm wasting this amazing opportunity. I worked so hard for this and now i can't have it. I worry that i'm going to try to kill myself again(the first time i took pills but then ended up getting help...that was 5 weeks ago). It's not like i can't be happy here- i can be happy but it seems like i'm happy for 5 minutes in a day and for the rest of the day i'm in hell. Has anyone else had to make a hard decision like this? I don't want to leave but i worry if i stay that i'll try to kill myself...i don't really know if i can risk it.

hey, its completly up to you what to do. but if your that much at risk maybe it is best to go home. can you get any support at all where you are? from a hospital are something. will you have another chance at this opputunity at a time were your more stable?

maybe this wasn't the best time for you to do this. Opportunities come and go often, but you only get one life. I think your safety is the more pressing issue now

by support i mean from friends and family. Support from anyone else just doesn't mean as much. I'm in grade 12 but i could have an opportunity in university(if i do choose to go there) to do another exchange. I could always travel on my own later too. I don't like it- i've only let a few people know how far i've fallen(like with everything, not just these past few weeks) and if i go home now people will have questions. I think i could deal with it i'm just not happy that i should have to. I hate anxiety and depression- they've taken over my life- I wish there was an easier cure.

yeah anixety and depression does kinda suck. can you still get in touch with your friends. if you can still ring them and stuff you can still have their support. if you tihnk your defintily a risk to yourself and theirs other opputuntiys to do this id defintly go home. and dont wory about them asking questions you can probally make up some sort of excuse if you dont feel comfortable telling them the truth.

Is there anyway at all that you can get support from people there, even if it means spending lots of time on the phone with ppl from home or finding a "safe place" there? If not, then I would suggest going home because your safety is more important than this opportunity. Hang in there <3

i'm going home. My dad's booking a flight. Nearly everyone knows everything. I still hate life.

*hugs* hope your ok. im sure things will get better when your at home xx

how have you been since you posted last? are things any better, still the same. worse.

thinking about you
xxx