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I'm scared and confused and I just wanna be normal.....
Seriously, why do we live? I honestly can find no point in it. I mean all of this fleshy human earthy stuff is kinda stupid. Talking and feeling and eating and such….It’s kinda alien like to me. It’s weird. Sometimes I feel like I don’t even exist. Like I don’t belong here with everyone else. No one knows how many times I’ve felt like slicing my own throat just to know if we really exist. This big part inside of my head says that nothing is going to happen because none of it’s real, but a little part says you’re a dumb----, and if you do that you will die. Everything is done by reflex, but when you stop to think about it, it becomes so pointless and so….stupid….Nothing I’m even saying makes sense. It’ll feel like I’m waking up from a nap and I won’t recognize anything. I won’t remember what I’ve done. I know what everything is, but I don’t recognize it and it doesn’t feel like I’m in my own body. It’s doing the things that I’m telling it to do, but it doesn’t feel like it. It’s kind of like I’m in a dream, and nothing here is actually real. Like I can do stupid stuff and actually believe it isn’t happening. I feel like I can walk off of the edge of my roof and get away with it without breaking my face. I can’t stop thinking about this stuff and it scares me. My brain won’t shut up when this happens, and it’s just so irritating because it feels like my head is about to explode. I can’t even think straight just knowing that I’m here and I’m alive and that I’m going to die. That I might not even truly exist, that I’m just something in someone’s imagination, and I can’t make the thoughts shut up. It makes me want to dissect myself. I’ve always wondered what my insides would look like. All of the small fragile things that keep us alive wrapped up in basically nothing……I’m completely terrified of living, and absolutely petrified of death, so what else is there besides that? I wish my brain would just shut up. I can’t make it stop. I feel like running in circles but I’m too exhausted. I think I’ve officially gone crazy, because it just keeps happening and happening more frequently. I don’t know what’s wrong with me…..It's like nothing in my world is real anymore. And the only time that it is real is when I'm zoned out and basically half asleep in my own body. :crying:
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I think you should talk to someone about this... Like a professional. It sounds like you're dissociating sometimes, I do it when I'm stressed, but it sounds different for you. I know how confusing everything can be, but you just have to trust in yourself, how could you be someone else's imagination when you have your own unique thoughts? Do you have anything, or anyone, that really makes you feel real and alive?
I hope you're okay, I've been there a lot... If you want to talk just PM me, I'm always up for a chat! xxxAudrey |
I agree that this does sound like it may be a form of depersonalization or derealization, but only a trained professional could diagnose that for certain.
Sometimes when I feel like how you describe, I listen to music, jump up and down a few times, even rub up and down my arms with a scratchy flannel or something like that. Would something like that help you until you can seek professional help? How are you feeling right now, lovely? |
I feel fine now, thanks. I just don't know how to make myself stop thinking/feeling like that.....It's confusing....=/
I'm trying to find someone to see at the moment, but it's hard trying to find someone that will take my insurance around here. Thanks for replying, guys. <3 |
The more you fall into your thoughts the more life will seem like a dream or unreal. Your intellect is finite and your thoughts should be an extension of you - not you an extension of them. The really profound things you need are realisations - but you can't easily have realisations if you fall down into your own machinery like a conductor falling down into the orchestra. Having too many thoughts comes from having too many emotions. You maye have noticed that when you get upset your head spins with all kinds of thoughts - which often make for more emotions - which then make for more spinning thoughts. It can be a vicious cycle and a person can get so sucked into a matrix of thought-stuff that life seems like an illusion (keep in mind people who use their imagination a lot are more prone to psychotic illnesses )
When people are calm and not lost in their heads is when intuition and realisation take place. Wonderingabout life is always better than analising because wonder is like asking the universe a question while leave an empy spece for an answer to show. Analysis crowds out the room needed for realisation. If a person gets too intellectual they can confuse themselves a great deal just juggling facts. As a person falls deeper into thought stuff there can be more fear because they are getting lost inside. |
ik what you mean,i feel that way too.. you should probably talk to someone about this, idk if it will help but its worth a try
pm me if you want to talk |
Hey hun,
What you've said done make sense. I can sorta understand where you're coming from. *HUGS* As already said, I think you should talk to someone about this who can help you. If you can't find anyone professional to see at the moment try talking to a family member? Take care, sweet. xx |
Thanks.
At least I don't sound completely insane....I'm trying to control myself by keeping myself busy.....It's working, so far.... |
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