i feel sick
 

I OD'd last night. To be honest I really didn't want to die(I realised that before I took the pills), I just want the screaming inside and outside of my head to stop. Everyone in my family thinks I'm selfish, and to a degree I'm pretty sure I am, but no one ever considers that the reason I'm so forgetful is because of the OD's I've had in the past, and because I'm just plan ditsy lol.

I was hoping to just fall asleep, but instead I got a viscious stomach ache- to the point I eventullay threw up everything I consumed, and hallucinations that weren't really hallucination in that when I concentrated on the sound I realised-why am I putting s where z's should be?- that the sound were actually coming from either my house, the people in my house, or from outside. I couldn't sleep last night because no matter which way I turned my stomach felt like it was balled up in a fist punching me saying, "DAMNED YOU." I'd eventually fall asleep because I would start focusing on the many voice in my head.

I have the shakes really bad, but no one has noticed. My thinking is quite slower, and to be honest I can barely talk without my lips trembling. I know I should've went to the hospital but OD's warrants an automatic psychiatric stay which is not something I want because I want to continue working as much as I can.Plus I don't want to bother my parents,or my sisters.

Can you really work when you are in this emotional and physical state?

What happens if you get really ill from this overdose, wouldn't your family rather you get help now, and talk about it later?

As to the screaming inside... you can let it all out here, we're listening, and we care.

work is the only thing which makes me feel like i'm actaully doing something productive.

i don't think i'll get that ill,but if i do i'll just deal with it.

How? I'm wondering about this 'selfishness' thing. Taking proper care of you is ... important. You are a valuable person. It seems that you've never really learnt how it is to really care about yourself and your well being.

I hear you about work, and that's great. But I just don't like seeing people struggle through when they need rest and support.

hell,i never learned how to take care of myself let alone caring about myself.

i don't think it'll really matter if i get really ill because it won't be about me and my problems it'll always be about how much my mother, my father, my sisters are suffering.

i've confused myself now

It sounds to me like you should really get to A&E ASAP.. If you're really ill and don't tell anyone, surely it'll be worse for them to find you in a heap or something..?

Take care of yourself - and as 'hypocrisy' said, let your thoughts and feelings out here if you need to. *cuddles*
x

i went to the my doctor's office today.i told him about how i od'd but he ran no tests and i don't know which of my doctors to go to so i can ask for blood test and such. another problem is that my mother is like a ****ing interrogator! i'm almost 21 and she still makes me feel like i need her permission.

anyway, my psychiatrist told me to come to his office tomorrow morning ASAP.hopefully i won't go to the psych unit that's next door because i really want to work.

I know what you mean about work, its really difficult to find a job you like to do, and don;t want to lose it when you've found something.
But like the others have said, you do need to look after yourself as well.

Tell your psychiatrist what made you do it, and what your fears are, and I'm sure he'll be able to help you through.

Take care

Lozx

**** sade!!!
im really sorry.
i hope that the doc has done something for you.
give me a shout on myspace or something or here, whichever.
im really worried.
i wish you could open up a little more and katie is so right about how important it is to take care of yourself!!!
love you!!
xx