RYL Forums - Can't cope any more

I feel like I'm going downhill. Well I know I am. Since November I've been slowly going backwards. But this past month has been crap. I've started not being able to sleep properly again. I'm moody. I'm restless. I just can't be arsed to make conversation with people and I don't really want to see anyone, despite spending the day being bored on my own with Lucas.

I've turned into such a bitch. I can wake up happy, but still end up going to bed miserable. Lucas always seems to be crying when I'm the only one here. He plays up when I try and feed him. He doesn't do it with Mike. It feels like he's always grumpy. And even when this doesn't bother me all morning he'll do one annoying thing in the afternoon and I'll snap at him. Yesterday I was trying to change his nappy and he kept rolling over and crying. I found myself screaming at him which obviosuly made him more upset. Then I got so angry I had to put him in his cot and go into my bedroom and scream some more.

About half an hour ago he woke up from his nap, so I went to change him and he peed everywhere and started crying. As I moved him away from the wee I accidentally knocked his head on the floor and he started bawling his eyes out and peed again. Then I started crying and thinking about how I can't cope. And whenever I look at him I see this beautiful little boy whose life I'm ****ing up. And I know that the older he gets and the more this goes on the more he's going to hate me and the more messed up he'll get.

I just hate myself for being such a **** mum, a **** girlfriend, a **** daughter, a **** sister.